Attracting Your Mate
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
Introduction
Soul Mates?
Karmic Contracts
How Do I Find My Mate?
To Be Alone Or Not To Be?
Overcoming Aloneness
Neediness Is Not An Attracting Force
Serial Monogamy Versus Lifelong Partner
Marriage & Families
Not Many Qualified
Practicalities
Exercises
Developing a Still Mind
Your True Identity
Make a List
Seeing Yourself With Your Mate
Written by Christine Breese, D.D., Ph.D.
Introduction
This course is not limited to those who are single and hoping to find their significant other. These exercises apply to anyone who would like to deepen their relationship with a partner, even one that is already present. When one adjusts oneself, the partner responds in turn, even though it might be unconscious, as long as it is in his or her higher good to do so. Attracting your mate, or deepening the relationship you already have, has more to do with adjusting your own consciousness than anything else. It is not about changing another person or anything outside yourself. It is about becoming that which you would like to attract and allowing your reality to reflect that.
The universal law, Like Attracts Like, applies to all states of awareness, negative and positive. Just as you attract your reality through your awareness, attitudes and thoughts, you attract your mate in exactly the same way. If you are in a negative state of mind, you will attract partners who reflect this. If you feel badly about yourself, you will find someone who will mirror this back at you. If you feel good about yourself, this will also apply. You will be partners with someone who adores you.
If you have not found someone yet in your life who reflects beauty back at you, who brings joy to your life, it is not because you have not found your "soul mate" yet. It is, rather, because you have not adjusted your consciousness to mirror it. You do not yet believe you are deserving of having someone adore you, or you do not believe you are worthy. This is what you must adjust in order to attract the mate you want. You have attracted the mate you don't want because he or she is a reflection of what you don't like about yourself.
It is not unusual to attract a mate that reflects both the negative and positive views of yourself that you have. In fact, as long as you have negative views about yourself, even if they are minor, your reality must reflect this somehow. The mate you have (or one you have already had) may very likely be an avenue through which reality reflects everything you like and don't like about yourself.
Rather than leaving your present mate, even if it may be an inevitable result, the best thing to do right in the moment is first change the self. If it is appropriate to take action after that, then do so. (This of course does not apply to abusive situations. If you are in an abusive relationship, you must exit now, no matter what your financial situation or otherwise, so you have the psychic space to re-create your reality. A period of alone time may be necessary before you are receptive to a better mate.) For now, see what this person reflects to you about yourself. Take mental notes. If it is a mixed bag, notice what is both negative and positive about yourself that this person reflects. If it helps, make a list on paper. This exercise can be done with mates you have had in the past, too. Much can be learned about yourself and how you have progressed through life. If you used to have better mates in the past, have you become bitter, resentful, regretful? Is this why your reflection has changed? If you have had worse mates in the past, notice how you have improved in your view of yourself over the years. This is why your reflection is better than it used to be. The thing that has really changed is your perspective of life and yourself, not your luck, or your stars or any other "outside" reason. These have nothing to do with finding your perfect mate.
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Soul Mates?
Many people believe in the concept of a soul mate. It is actually quite a romantic idea. Soul mates have been likened to "twin souls," one soul that has split into two souls. These two souls are trying to re-unite and join together again, somewhere in the universe, in order to become one soul again. This is how it feels when one is in love, when the perfect mate has been found, when harmony in relationship is experienced. It feels as if Oneness has been reached, nirvana.
However, there is a flaw in this theory. The idea of any soul not being your own self, as if there is one that is more like you, or perfectly matched, over other souls, this is a belief in separation. Ideally, there is no separation. God is in everything, everyone, everywhere. If this is true, then it is all One Self having many lifetimes. There is only One Soul. If awareness, consciousness, is the only thing that remains constant, then all that appears and disappears must be illusion. If there is a beginning and an end, it is illusion. If it appears and disappears in the arena of consciousness, it is a dream in the mind of God. If there is a "birth" of a soul, a division of any sort from some "source," if a soul is an "individual" of some sort, then it is an illusory identity. If it must become one again with another, it is an illusion. There is no hierarchy in the One Self. There is no something that is self versus not-self.
Therefore, there is no such thing as a "soul mate" in the typical way the word is used. Actually, everyone is your soul mate. There is only One Self. So anyone could be your soul mate, if you are able to perceive all as your own self. When you have reached this state, this is when the perfect mate will show up. It will be because you are living in that state of perfection. This does not mean perfection of the human condition. It is in realizing that you are a perfect being, the eternal self, dreaming and lucid in your human life, even if the human identity is not perfect. The perfect "soul mate" will appear because you will attract someone who is also living in that state. You will both be able to experience Oneness. It is not because you are "twins" who have reunited. It is because you are both in realization of yourselves as One Self.
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Karmic Contracts
Karmic contracts have received a lot of attention in metaphysical circles. Often, people come together who have made agreements ahead of time, before birth, to meet in this lifetime in order to play roles for each other. The contracts are not based on time periods or dates. Rather, their manifestation is based more on levels of spiritual growth and awakening. It is possible to miss the completion of some karmic contracts in a lifetime if previous contracts are not met. For instance, it may be necessary for a person to overcome the obstacle of self hatred before the mate he or she is going to be with for a long time appears. (In fact, it would be best not to attract a mate that would reflect self hatred and it is better if those relationships are short.)
Mates you have already had all taught you something about yourself. All have reflected something to you that you have either changed or overcome. Your earlier relationships are most likely different than the ones you have most recently had. You will see that you have grown, become more self aware, and have attracted something better each time around. This is a sign that you are awakening. Now that you are becoming aware of yourself as eternal self, seeing things from the point of view of an eternal being rather than a mere mortal, you are ready for a whole new level in relationships. Hopefully your present partner can enter this level with you, if you are with someone you really enjoy being with.
Karmic contracts with others does not mean you are stuck in them. You won't be able to bypass them, but you can learn about yourself more quickly, become self aware, awakened by the experience, and move on. There is always the possibility for resolution of karmic contracts. The idea of "canceling" contracts is only a postponement of a pending "earth lesson," so you might as well learn from the karmic contract rather than run from it. You won't escape your education in earth life. However, you do not have to stay in abusive relationships, or relationships that clearly do not reflect how you see yourself now. It is not unusual for people on the spiritual path to suddenly realize that they need to exit immediately from a relationship because it simply does not match anymore. Simply realizing that the relationship is not healthy, that you attracted it to yourself and created it, allowed it, and took responsibility for what you created, this might be all that you were needing to learn from it, besides the knowledge that you must take care of yourself and not allow anyone to harm you.
There does not have to be a huge drama for the exit to happen, and friendship is even possible for most relationships, but separation of realities might be inevitable. When two people are together, their realities are affected and influenced by each other's projections about reality. If your partner's perspective is not in conjunction with your own, your realities no longer match. There is a rift. Unless each can align again with each other's point of view, a separation must occur so that room is provided for a different reflection of consciousness, which is pushing its way into manifestation. If someone does not reflect your consciousness, you will either be dragged back into your old way of seeing things or chaos will occur if one doesn't let go gracefully. It is possible that the mate might shift with you, but you cannot expect it. You can give the invitation, but if the other person does not see things the same way you do, your realities cannot peacefully intertwine. This does not necessarily mean that your point of view is superior to anyone else's, but it simply does not match. The other person may be shifting for the better, too, but the consciousness that you both hold still might not match.
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How Do I Find My Mate?
You do not have to find your mate. Your mate and you will simply run into each other. It will be choreographed by the powers that be. You will both be in the right place at the right time when your realities match correctly. You do not have to actively look. Yes, practical measures should be taken, and they will be mentioned in the Practicalities section of this course, but this is not how you will "find" your mate. Rather, you might want to think of it as your mate "appearing." By natural laws, physical reality must produce what matches you, pleasant or unpleasant is irrelevant. If your reflection requires a reflection that contains a beautiful mate, this experience will be produced. Physical reality is a reflection machine. So first produce the reality in yourself and it will be required to manifest.
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To Be Alone...Or Not To Be
Being alone may be just the right thing for you right now. If you are alone, between relationships, or have never had one, you have been given the chance to work on your awakening without interference from another. Relationships can definitely qualify as distracting forces from the spiritual path. Sometimes alone time is quite necessary. Too much alone time can have a detrimental effect, but the right amount produces wisdom and clarity.
Right after a relationship ends, it is best to be alone for a while so that you don't carry into the next relationship all the same issues. It is useful to use the time to regroup, take inventory of yourself, meditate on what was realized because of the relationship, and begin the process of building a different reality manifestation. It is wise to take time
Do not think that you have failed because you have had several "failed" relationships. It is natural for people to move through several relationships before a long term one appears. These are not actually failed relationships. They were necessary experiences so that you have a better understanding of yourself and how you act in relationships. These were chances for you to grow and awaken to who you really are. You learned a lot by having more than one partner.
If your choice is to be with someone who is not healthy for you or be alone, it is better to be alone. Choosing to be alone is a difficult decision. Many remain in stagnant relationships because they are afraid to be alone. For some, the deterrent is that it is more work to be alone. The partners may have found themselves stuck in a co-dependent situation and must remain in the relationship in order to make ends meet or take care of kids. It is an individual case for each person whether or not to be alone or not, given responsibilities to children and such, but if arrangements can be made that are still acceptable to the children, aloneness is possible, even if only for short periods of time. Amicable and lucid dissolutions of relationships can be experienced even if children are involved. This takes wisdom and compassion between two partners when each have become stagnant in a relationship and want to separate. It is better than remaining miserable together.
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Overcoming Aloneness
For some people, aloneness is chronic. They have experienced very lonely lives and haven't had many experiences of the opposite. For this situation, an adjustment of consciousness must happen on a deep level. Childhood issues, as usual, are most likely an influence and must be examined. Even if the origins of the "tragic loner" are rooted in the childhood, this does not have to remain your state of being.
Willingness to be hurt again must be embraced. Loneliness is often a result of being unwilling to risk hurt, since it was experienced already and seemed unbearable. A lonely person has usually walled the world out for some reason. You must be willing to feel pain again, for it is inevitable as long as you are a human. Everything changes, and relationships are the least guaranteed to remain harmonic and seamless! You might as well assume that if you invite a relationship into your life, you will experience pain again in some way, whether it is through rejection, betrayal, abandonment, or whatever the pattern was that was so unpleasant. Yes, it will happen again while you grow out of this patterning. However, you can now know yourself as eternal self that is not destroyed or even damaged by any experience, not even another "failed" relationship. No experience is to be feared, for you are so much more than the human condition you thought you were. Every experience is something that comes and goes, and you outlast and survive them all, even death.
Some feel that they are too damaged to engage with others, that their own personality is to blame. Your own personality will get you in trouble because it is faulty. This may be true. You may need to develop better social skills. There is no other way to improve than to keep associating with humans until you learn how to mingle peacefully. It can be a bumpy road of learning, with ups and downs, betrayals and failures, but you might as well get on with it if it is what is in front of you in this lifetime. It is better than remaining in the safe stagnancy of loneliness, where you can't be hurt by others. However, the prison of loneliness itself that you have erected is what is now hurting you. Loneliness is not keeping you safe from pain, it is exacerbating the pain. Perhaps it is better to be hurt by other people than by loneliness. At least it is more interesting! In order to awaken, you will have to go through the highs and lows in life. There is no way to avoid them, not even in loneliness. Loneliness is one long, dull low rather than intense highs and lows.
Be willing to be hurt again. You will survive! It is necessary to take the risk in order to move on and not stagnate into a lonely life. A lonely life does not need to be your fate, it is not destiny. All you must do is change your inner landscape in order to have a different life.
The first adjustment for overcoming loneliness is to let others into your life. Loneliness did not "happen to you." You created it by shutting others out. Developing trust for the world and others is not what is required. The world and others cannot be trusted to act perfectly all the time with enlightened behavior. Others will definitely let you down. They are human. You must be willing to accept that. No one can deliver happiness to you. You must give it to yourself. It is always available, and does not elude you. You simply must bring your awareness to it.
If you are focused on the lack of company in your life, this will definitely dampen any moments of joy that you might be missing right under your nose! Your happiness should not be dependent on the behavior of others. Happiness is a state of mind, no matter what others are doing. Learn how to enjoy your own company, for someone who exudes loneliness does not attract others into his or her life. Let yourself engage in the world, mingle with the other humans, and risk love and failure, happiness and sadness, success and failure, and be lonely no more. You can survive it all. You must engage in life if you don't want to be alone.
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Neediness Is Not An Attracting Force
Neediness is a very repelling force. Neediness is as repelling as exuding loneliness. No one wants to fill another person's void. It is important that you become filled with love yourself and have something to give. What is it that you have to give to another person? What do you have to share with others? These are the things that you must develop within yourself. You must have something to give if you want to be attractive. You must fill the void within yourself before you have something to share with others. When you meet someone, rather than thinking about what he or she will give you, think about what you have to give to him or her. Be an outflowing of love, rather than a sucking of love. Don't be an energy vampire. You must be free of the desperate need for another person's love. In order to be free of that, you must have a still mind and become the source of love. This requires a whole different way of being than you may have been experiencing. This is the first task before you can attract your mate. You must become whole yourself before you have anything to offer anyone else. This does not mean that you must become perfect. It only means that you must become whole, realizing who you really are, realizing your true identity as eternal self in a human experience.
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Serial Monogamy Versus Lifelong Partner
Many people believe that marriage to one mate for the rest of one's lifetime is the ultimate goal. This is a fallacy and has created many miserable partnerships because of the traditional idea of marriage. Realize that the original idea of marriage is an antiquity, and human beings are evolving past this idea. It was created as a contract where a man owns a woman, and a woman owns a man, and their co-dependent needs are fulfilled. A man needed a woman to feed him, clothe him, keep the house, and raise the children. A woman needed a man to shelter her, provide for her, and take care of her financially since she was not allowed to work in well-paying careers, own a successful business or own land by herself. This contract was for life so that neither had to worry about his or her welfare. Even if unhappiness was the result, at least their human needs would be taken care of. Divorce was non-existent, and death was the only way out. This does not mean that love was not involved in marriage, for the idea was to pick someone who was a good match, someone who one loved. However, there was no provision for the possibility that each would fall out of love.
There are rare cases where two people are meant to meet each other and stay married for life. When someone marries his or her high school sweetheart and stays happily married until death, this is a special karmic contract. This is a rare case! This is not the norm. Everyone has been trying to fit themselves into this rare mold and feeling like a failure because they have not been able to fulfill this idea. Human beings are actually geared more toward serial monogamy. What that means is one relationships at a time in a progression, one after another. Polyamory means more than one relationship at a time, and this is more appropriate for those who are young and in the exploratory phase of learning about relationships. As one grows older, this gets less attractive and security is more desirable, unless the polyamory includes all the partners together and with each other. However, serial monogamy is the most common of all the karmic contracts for relationships.
Do not feel like a failure if you have had several or many relationships and have still not found that one mate. You may be destined for serial monogamy until death, and some relationships will last longer than others. It is likely that you will stay with partners longer and longer as you age, and may stay with your last partner until death. However, you might want to let go of the idea of having the same partner for 50 years. People who have the lifelong partner until death are not more special than you, nor are they more advanced. It is just not necessarily the plan for your life this time around. Everyone gets to have a lifetime where they happily experience the same partner for life. It is part of the educational structure (karma) on Earth, but this may not be that lifetime. If it is not, then be satisfied with serial monogamy.
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Marriage Families
It is alright if you must part ways with another person. The idea of marriage is a romantic idea, but human understanding of marriage is elementary and does not cover all aspects of possibilities. As I said earlier, the traditional idea of marriage is antiquated and out of date in comparison with the evolution of humanity. It is time now for humanity to move out of this way of thinking and into a more fluid way of living in relationships. There must be a willingness to let go of each other graciously when it is appropriate. This does not mean that marriage is useless, for it is still of great value.
Marriage is commitment to each other and to your lives together. This can be experienced without having a lifelong contract. For instance, in some cultures marriage was agreed to for a certain number of years rather than a lifetime. A couple agreed to spend a certain amount of time together, and if at that point they still wanted to be together, they agreed to another chunk of time. If they decide that they wanted to part ways, they did so without feeling that they failed at their commitment. Their contract was fulfilled. They usually made these commitments for 5 years or 10 years.
What, you may ask, happens with children in these scenarios? The cultures that had these types of marriage contracts lived in villages together, and the children were taken care of by everyone. When the couple parted ways, they still remained accessible to the children on a daily basis for they remained part of the village. Just because they did not remain lovers did not mean that they were parted from the children in any way. In today's cultures, this is more difficult to deal with, since the village has virtually disappeared in modern civilizations. At this point, the best scenario is to share custody of the children fairly in a way that is acceptable to all family members.
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Not Many Qualified
I often hear people say, "There are not that many people who are awakened enough to be with me. It's a really small pool to choose from." Yes, this is true. If you are advanced spiritually, it will not be easy to "go out and find" your mate. You will have to depend even more on your trust that consciousness produces reality and let your mate "appear." You must trust in the magic of your consciousness and the abilities of the powers that be to place you and your mate in the right place at the right time where you will meet each other. Do not let the thought form, "There aren't many out there that would be qualified to be with me," permeate your consciousness. You do not have to worry about that. You may be picky, but pickiness has nothing to do with whether or not you meet your mate. It has to do with your trust in the nature of reality to reflect what is your most accurate reflection. There is a match for you, and if there is not one at present, there will be one soon for it is a law of the universe that physical reality must reflect your consciousness exactly as your consciousness projects it.
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Practicalities
Of course there are practicalities you must take into consideration when attempting to create a new relationship. For one thing, you will never find your mate by staying home and watching TV every night! Well, perhaps in some cases. However, it makes the job tougher for the powers that be to get you and your new mate together. It is easier for you to meet a new mate if you simply increase the possibilities by meeting more people. You must socialize and become available to the public. You must not hide out.
Ask yourself what kind of groups you would like to associate with in public. You might want to see if there are some metaphysical groups that sponsor monthly or weekly meetings for solstices or moon ceremonies. You might also like to see if there is a metaphysical church in your area. Maybe you would like to take some metaphysical classes or workshops. If you can afford them, do so. Perhaps there are even spiritual singles groups in your area, especially if you are near a large city. Find your people! Surround yourself with like minded acquaintances. Even if you don't find your mate in these groups you will still end up with some new friends that will be a wonderful addition to your life. It will also be a statement to the universe that you are making yourself available and that you have set your intention.
Take on new activities that you have never thought of before. Perhaps you would like to take up a new sport, or a new hobby. Perhaps you would like to take a class at the local college and acquire a new skill. Perhaps you would like to start taking walks in a park you have never frequented before, or join a hiking club. Perhaps you could join a committee, or volunteer for a community service. Where would your mate be likely to be found? What kind of person is it that you are looking for? Once you know this, then go to those types of activities and immerse yourself in them. Would your ideal mate like the arts? How about physical activities? Spiritual circles? Specific locations? Put yourself there so that you can meet this kind of person.
Putting yourself in the right place to meet your special someone is healthy for you, and invites more possibilities for the reflection of your new perspective of self to appear. It stretches your mind and heart, and gives you freshness and newness. Trying new things, getting out into public, exploring new locations, all of these make you attractive because you are enjoying yourself and having a new experience. Loneliness is not necessary because you are never really alone. You are immersed in oneness with all things, all beings, so you are never alone unless you choose to be.
Doing your spiritual homework and re-adjusting your consciousness is a very important practicality, for nothing will change unless you do on the inside. For some people, a complete overhaul of their reality outlook might be in order! This could take some time. If you believe that you need to really change your attitudes and programming before you try your next relationship, take the time you need to do this. Otherwise you will waste time going through many unhealthy relationships unnecessarily. Make yourself as whole as possible, as awake as possible, and then invite the reflection in reality that is to be your mate. It will be a better manifestation if you do your spiritual homework and awaken first before drawing your next relationship to you. The Exercises in this course will give you some ideas on where to begin this process.
Another practicality, remember to watch for your opportunities! It is not unusual for a person to reject the moment when a new relationship presents itself, even though he or she has been yearning for it. It is because he or she has gotten so used to being alone that being with another is incomprehensible. You must be able to comprehend being with another person in your life and sharing a life together. If you have self-deserving issues, you must let these go. Otherwise, you will sabotage your manifestation, sending mixed messages to the bio-machinery that physical reality (projection of consciousness) is. Self doubt, negative programming, or a pessimistic outlook is a sure monkey-wrench in the works. Let yourself be open to receive the opportunities as they present themselves. Reprogram the mind to fall back into stillness when those thoughts come up. Don't even use affirmations. Go straight to still mind. This is where the true you resides.
When you begin your new relationship, watch for the patterns that happened in your previous relationships. See if there are any correlations. This is another chance to break the chain of programming in your human condition. Instead of fleeing or feeling a sense of doom because of the faults in your personality are showing up in the relationship, face them and work with them. You might even let your partner know. Open lines of communication to work out your patterns together consciously. This could be an exquisite experience of maturation and growth for both of you, especially if conscious intent and awareness is brought to the patterns that will inevitably come up in relationships. Don't try to avoid your growth together. Embrace it!
When your self sabotage thoughts come up, move back into a still mind. Do not live with the expectation of the relationship ending. Just because the relationships before this one ended, that doesn't mean this one has to end. One of the worst undo charms for a relationship is the thought, "It's going to end badly, when's the other shoe going to drop and this person won't love me anymore?" This fear will come true, for it is being projected into the bio-machine called physical reality. On the other hand, expecting this relationship to last, for this one to be "the one," and being let down if it doesn't turn out that way, this is unhealthy too. A better way to approach these fears is to stay in the present moment and enjoy every experience as it comes. Don't worry about the future. You will survive it, whatever it holds, and so will your mate. If you continue together, this is fine. If you don't, this is fine too. It simply means it is time for a new relationship if there is an end to this one. If you outgrow a relationship, it is not a sign of failure, rather, it is a sign of growth and maturation.
In short, here is a list of things to do in order to attract your mate:
- Develop the habit of having a still mind, and awaken.
- Do your spiritual homework and examine your past for patterns.
- Develop ideas on how to do things differently than you did before.
- Undo negative programming by returning to still mind, always.
- Develop the qualities in yourself that you would like your mate to have.
- Put yourself in likely places where you would meet a person who fits the description of the mate you want to attract.
- Be open to receive and watch for your opportunities.
- Embrace your growth with another person and continue to mature by breaking human condition patterning that you have around relationships.
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Exercises
Developing Still Mind
If you want to have an enlightened mate, a person who treats you with love and respect, you must awaken. The first task is to stop all the mind chatter. Stop the negative dialogue in your head. No matter what the story, no matter what the thought, simply return to a still mind. This does not mean you dull your senses. Remain alert when you have a still mind. What is different is that you are present. You are not in the past, you are not in the future. You are in the here and now, awake and alive in this moment having a dream, lucid.
Whenever you find your mind wandering into the past or the future, stop. No matter what. Just stop. Return to the present moment and be lucid. This is a lifelong process, so don't expect yourself to accomplish this in a short period of time. It is forever a deepening of self throughout life. This may take quite some time. However, any amount of time you can spend in still mind is useful, so discipline yourself and begin this process now. It might take some doing, but it will be worth it in the end. You will attract a better mate if this is something you have developed in yourself.
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Your True Identity
Once you know yourself as eternal consciousness, One Self, your perspective of yourself will be quite different. Let go of all the petty human desires and issues. Look at your life from an eternal self perspective. Stop thinking of yourself as a mere mortal. Realize that you are far more than your body, your name, and your particular collection of experiences. This is not who you are at all. Realize that you have had multitudes of forms, lifetimes, experiences, and you are God's awareness of itself. Everyday, think about this, look around you, and wake up. Become lucid in the dream that is your life. Meditate on this truth. A mate who would match this state of mind will be quite wonderful indeed.
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Make A List
What qualities and skills would you like your mate to have? Would you like your mate to be compassionate, understanding, kind? If so, then you must develop these qualities within yourself if you would like to attract someone who also has these qualities. Remember that like attracts like. Pick one thing from the list to work on every day or every week, whichever works best for you. If it is a quality you really don't have, you might have to work on it for months! What qualities would you like your mate to have?
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Seeing Yourself With Your Mate
Stop the projection into reality that you are alone and must stay alone. See yourself being loved by another. Visualize having a partner. As you go about your daily affairs, imagine how you would include another person in your activities. How would a partner fit in? Make the mental adjustments that you need to make in order to prepare the way for your mate to appear in your reality. You might prepare the way you would for a guest, thinking of how your guest will fit into your reality during his or her visit. In your meditations, see yourself with a partner, open to receive love, and know that your mate is coming, for you are preparing for him or her to enter your life. See yourself enjoying activities with your mate, not with yearning or longing, wistful for your mate, but joy, as if you already have it. Otherwise you only project more longing and manifest the "absence of your mate."