Resolution Techniques
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
The emphasis on empathy and respect as important aspects of effective negotiation has been endorsed by many of the methods described above. Moving toward resolution in specific ways that reflect this emphasis is a large part of the language of Non-Violent Communication. In NVC, resolution goals are approached by teaching us to frame both “connection and solution requests.” To foster connection with another person there are many things we can ask of them, ranging from the subtle to the concrete. For example, we can make requests for feedback on what we just said (in a paraphrased form) and how the other person feels about it. Questions phrased in the format of “would you be willing to listen to my experience, and share your understanding of my feelings and needs” promote clarification toward a solution. Once again, practicing and refining the format to become a natural way of speaking is essential, as has been discussed previously.
Concrete requests are about asking for specific things that we want, but always in a way that offers the other person free choice regarding the giving of those things. Therefore, these requests should not only begin with asking if the person is willing to act in some fashion, but should also have other aspects. The request should be “doable,” to be done soon or immediately, and stated positively. The request, essentially, should concern itself with what DO you want rather than what you don’t want. While this may be harder to pinpoint, it is more accessible. For example, rather than asking a person to promise not to be late again, one can ask if they are willing to meet at the agreed-upon time for the very next appointment. This method of presenting the request affords the other person a ready chance to perform, if he agrees. In addition, it may allow him to feel less at fault for having chronically been late.
However, if the answer is not in the affirmative, then the course is set for further dialogue, leading once again to some kind of connection request. It is important, in this case, to be aware of being vulnerable to rejection. The habitual response might be to go directly into judgments and make demands. Therefore, this is a good time to practice self-empathy, and to ask ourselves what needs are not getting met as we deal with rejection (as well as how it impacts the other person’s needs).
By using and implementing the ideas that have been presented, resolution techniques based upon investigating our personal needs can be customized to specific types of conflicts. As David Lieberman points out in Make Peace With Anyone (2002) there are basically four responses to dealing with conflict:. These can be summarized as co-dependent capitulation, retreating avoidance, angry defiance, or acceptance. It is the mode of acceptance that creates the most effective arena for conflict resolution, but it may take time and patience to reach such a state. Identifying in the moment with the needs of someone with whom we are in conflict is not something that comes easily to us. Yet, ultimately it is this very process that contributes toward producing good resolution with an opponent. By learning to identify our own emotional needs, we can learn to be more sensitive to others’ needs. Listening skills help us to do this more effectively, as well as becoming aware of our tendencies to make assumptions. When we are able to step outside ourselves more easily, we can begin to see the situation more broadly as our differences fall away.
As we evolve toward a global community, the sense of being less separate from one another is emerging. While we are all unique in our histories and personal environmental influences, there is more recognition of our human commonality that can help us communicate with one another. However, the stress of modern society and its alienating forces are working counter-productively to bring out frustrations and hostilities in many people. These reactions are essentially symptomatic of collective fear. As we take time to focus on cooperation and try to understand the things that divide and isolate us, we can begin to have faith that better communication will be a healing process. Even if we only bring these insights into our most immediate spheres of influence, the ripples of change will widen to accommodate larger arenas. The process of discovering our deeper life motivations and how we respond to them is essential to the improvement of communication skills. Through understanding ourselves in these ways, we can learn to appreciate the paths that others walk and how to effectively share the experience of living together.