Forgiveness
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
Introduction
Review of Literature
Forgiveness
Ordinary Forgiveness
Radical Forgiveness
Philosophy of Radical Forgiveness
Four Steps of Radical Forgiveness
Non-Judgment
Acceptance
Practices
Discussion
Conclusion
Written by Laurel Sherer
Introduction
When you hear the word forgiveness what do you think of? There are many forms of forgiveness. It can be an art and a gift to both ourselves and others. Forgiveness can bring us great peace, joy, and freedom. Imagine feeling that no one can truly do us "wrong," that at the core level of existence, we are all connected with a universal energy called by the name of Spirit, Source, Truth, God, or many others. Simply consider this as one possibility in the infinite pool of life.
Forgiveness is a necessary aspect of our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Dr. Stone emphasizes the relationship between the body, mind, emotions, and spirit in his book Health Building (1985). "Health is not merely of the body. It is the natural expression of the body, mind and soul when they are in rhythm with the one life. True health is the harmony of life within us, consisting of peace of mind, happiness and well-being. It is not merely a question of physical fitness, but is rather a result of the soul finding free expression through the mind and body of that individual."
How does forgiveness fit into our sense of well-being? When we do not forgive someone or some situation, we store that energy as a block in our bodies. It may affect us by creating constant tensing in that part of our bodies. We may also have feelings of being victims of other people or situations that will be continually triggered. These feelings can affect our current relationships and peace of mind. Not forgiving will also likely influence the way that we believe the world to be. For example, if someone feels mistreated as a child, he/she may view the world as being scarce in love and goodness. Learning to forgive is not something that we are often taught in school or by our parents.
There is much information that people are discovering and offering to others because of the great importance of learning to forgive. Many religious people have focused their energies on forgiveness, reached wonderful levels of peace, and in these states can offer great inspiration to us. When Mahatma Gandhi was shot, he looked at the person who shot him, said God's name, and placed his hands in Namaskar, or prayer position, indicating his forgiveness towards his assassin. The Buddhist monk Beopjeong says, "Look past others' faults and forgive in lenient tolerance. To forgive instantly purifies a person and fully opens the door to love and understanding" (http://www.buddhistview.com).
In addition to the wisdom offered by religious leaders throughout the ages, the importance of forgiveness is also being noted by medical researchers and psychologists. Discoveries of what "not forgiving others and situations" can do to our health are arising and giving people something to think about. Colin Tipping states, "Research clearly shows that holding onto resentments and old hurts leads to cancer and all sorts of physical illness, not to mention depression, addictions and dysfunctional behavior." (http://www.iloveulove.com). In the twelve-step programs of recovery, forgiveness is often considered to be the most transformational step. Why is it, however, that many people find it so hard to fully let go of their stories of pain and forgive themselves, others, and past situations? How can we come to a place of forgiveness and acceptance?
This course will take us on a powerful journey into the art of forgiveness. We will look at these questions and explore how ordinary forgiveness can be a difficult way for people to come to true acceptance. We will view a new approach to forgiveness for insights into how we can more fully live out the art of forgiveness in our lives. This method is called radical forgiveness, and through it, we can change our beliefs about ourselves and reality. We will supplement the process of radical forgiveness with a deeper understanding of non-judgment and acceptance, which will help to deepen our experiences of forgiveness. In order to provide you with tools to help yourself and others during the transformational process of forgiveness, practices that bring us more fully into the moment will be explored as well.
In experiencing this course, you may become aware of areas in your own life in which forgiveness is needed. You may uncover unconscious beliefs or memories you have not been ready to look at until now. If you do find yourself remembering situations that seem charged with energy, such as feelings of anger, victimization, or guilt, I would like to encourage you to focus on these. Write any feelings or memories that arise for you down on paper as you read through this course. You will learn practices that you can use as tools for your own transformational process. You are ready to shift these feelings to ones that will give you peace and help you to move more into an empowered self. Or maybe you have already focused on forgiveness in your life, and this will help to remind you of all that you have learned through your own personal journey.
Review Of Literature
Tara Brach, who is a Buddhist lay priest and clinical psychologist, has written a book called Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha (2003). This book looks at the ways in which many people feel that they are inadequate and build their lives around such powerful feelings. Brach shows how people can continue to live their lives feeling unworthy, but also how this is not necessary. In this book, Tara Brach shows how freedom from unworthiness is very possible and offers us practices, including meditations and reflections, to help with the transformation process of creating lives of acceptance. A quote that Tara Brach gives from the Buddha is as follows: "Like a caring mother holding and guarding the life of her only child, so with a boundless heart hold yourself and all beings."
Barbara Ann Brennan's book Hands of Light (1987) is a wonderful book for anyone interested in learning healing skills. Barbara Brennan has been a healer for over fifteen years. She brings knowledge from her many healing sessions to this book, as well as scientific understandings of the human energy body. This book covers a wide range of healing techniques and gives pictures as visual aids to the written material. Readers can use this book to transform themselves through self-healing.
A book that was used for inspiration in this course is You Are That! (1996). This book used is a compilation of Gangaji‘s teachings during satsangs held between 1993-1995. Gangaji addresses many topics in this book, including the challenges of surrendering. You Are That! is written in a question and answer format, keeping true to the experience of what a gathering, or satsang, would be like. One of the many beautiful messages in this book is that we do not need to do anything in order to recognize our divinity. We instead can surrender into our true selves. In the words of Gangaji, "Stillness reveals presence of Being. You are that presence of Being. Receive you Self. Drink your Self. Be nourished by your Self. Begin your exploration of That."
Another book that was very helpful in writing this course is When You're Falling, Dive (2003). Cheri Huber, the author, has been a student and teacher of Zen for over thirty years. Cheri Huber beautifully shows readers how there are two possibilities for how we react to every moment; we can either accept or resist life as it is. Huber offers practices, teachings, and questions to apply to the path of learning to accept life. This book is written in a playful manner with pictures and diagrams included. To further describe When You're Falling, Dive we can turn to the words of Cheri Huber in her preface. "Part of what I do as a Zen student and teacher is recognize blocks and hindrances that litter the path of awakening: unwillingness, intellectualizing, self-hate, resistance, as examples. Suddenly I will see one of those blocks everywhere and think, yes, this is it, I'll offer this to those who ask for guidance, and they will see and their suffering will end."
Stephen Levine wrote a book called A Gradual Awakening (1979), which offers knowledge and practices for becoming more aware, letting go of our hindrances, and coming into meditative states of awareness. This book is beautifully written and shows a great deal of understanding on the part of Stephen Levine. Ram Das talks about this book in its preface with the words: "Stephen Levine deals with mediation and social responsibility in a way that is neither abstract nor hollow: This is practical stuff for day-to-day living. His ability to do this comes from his own life in which he has shown a continuing sense of social consciousness."
The book Living By Conscious Choice by Nancy Only was very useful in writing this course as well. Nancy Only starts this book by helping readers to recognize that all we feel and do during the course of a day are choices. We have the choice to feel stressed or happy. Nancy Only then goes on to offer us new choices that we can make: to choose awareness, gratitude, letting go of the past, and several other empowering choices toward our health and happiness. Nancy Only says, "And when we decide we are ready for the responsibility of creating the life we want, when we are willing to invest ourselves fully in each moment of choice, when we consciously decide that life is much more than something which happens to us, we begin to live with a sense of power that makes it worthwhile." Each chapter offers questions to ponder and an exercise to practice. This makes Nancy Only's book one of both intellectual and experiential knowledge.
Another wonderful book that I came across for this course is Living With Joy (1986). This book was written by Sanaya Roman, who channeled the information for it from a being of love and light named Orin. Orin shows us how to take the steps to transform our lives into ones of empowerment and awakening to divine truth. Readers can learn to open their hearts, realize their life purposes, and create their lives without struggle. We can be helped to gain self-love and acceptance through the wisdom Orin gave Sanaya Roman for us to hear.
Another inspiring book relating to forgiveness is The Four Agreements (1997). Written by Don Miguel Ruiz, this book looks at the beliefs we created as children that shape our lives. It shows us how each person has different beliefs that form what Ruiz calls our book of laws. Ruiz then provides beliefs from the Toltec path of wisdom that can help us to live empowered and joyous lives.
The book Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art Of Happiness shows us how we can create loving-kindness in our lives. This book is written by Sharon Salzberg, a Buddhist teacher. It teaches us that we do not need to only long for feeling love and kindness, but that these can come into our lives through self-discipline and practice. In the words of Sharon Salzberg, "Spiritual practice, by uprooting our personal mythologies of isolation, uncovers the radiant, joyful heart within each of us and manifests this radiance to the world." Sharon Salzberg offers readers exercises to bring experiential wisdom to the practice of loving-kindness as well.
Dr. Randolph Stone wrote a book called Health Building (1985) in which health is looked at from the perspective of the mind, emotions, spirit, and body. Dr. Stone received Doctors' degrees in Osteopathy, Chiropractic, and Naturopathy. He lived to the age of 91, and even during the later years of his life, Dr. Stone taught and traveled with a great sense of vitality. In this book, Dr. Stone talks about health in relation to the energy flows of the human body. He gives general guidelines for people to follow in order to regain and then maintain their health. Dr. Stone did much research on the polarity of energy within each cell of the body, and formulated this into the practice of polarity therapy, which is discussed in this book as well. Dr. Stone's writings are highly inspirational.
The Dalai Lama offers wisdom on compassion for the self and others in his book An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion In Everyday Life (2001). This book leads us through the transformation of our heart energy, from being selfish to compassionate. The Dalai Lama shows readers how the path to compassion can be broken down into a series of meditations. He leads readers through this series, starting with basic meditations and leading to more complex ones. This process involves much reflection and a willingness to dedicate oneself to the Buddhist path of compassion. One beautiful aspect of this book is that it can be used as a complimentary source of inspiration and transformation to any spiritual practices that one already has in his/her life.
Another book used in this course is Peace Is Every Step: The Path Of Mindfulness In Everyday Life (1991) by Thich Nhat Hahn. This is a beautiful book written in a simple way to convey a powerful message. Thich Nhat Hahn offers stories of his own path of mindfulness. He gives readers tools to bring mindfulness into all aspects of their lives, including driving and washing dishes. There are several meditations in this book as well. I first read this book several years ago and can remember it touching me very deeply in its beauty. It is used in this course to offer practices of how to raise one's awareness and become more present to life.
Amorah Quan Yin was inspired to write The Pleiadian Workbook: Awakening Your Divine Ka (1996) after remembering past lives in which she connected to the same wisdom that this group of light beings, called Pleiadian Emissaries of Light, has shared with her in this lifetime. Amorah Quan Yin shares with readers her own experiences in opening up to the Pleiadian Emissaries of Light and then goes into the knowledge that she has learned from them. There are many wonderful techniques on grounding, releasing old thoughts and energies, healing oneself, and connecting with other realms of existence. Through these techniques, we can raise our energy levels and connect with our divine selves. One of the messages that Amorah Quan Yin has received is that this is the time for spiritual growth, and the information of this book can help us to excel on our own spiritual paths.
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness has the power to ripen forces of purity such as love, and affirms the qualities of patience and compassion. It creates the space for renewals, and a life free from bondage to the past." These words, from Sharon Salzberg in her book Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art Of Happiness (1995), offer us a taste of what true forgiveness can give to the world. Forgiveness can release us of our bonds to past experiences and beliefs, allowing us to step fully into the moment and in this way, to truly live life. As many of us have experienced, however, forgiveness can be a great challenge to embrace. Sharon Salzberg notes that surrendering into forgiveness is often harder than holding onto resentment, anger, sadness, or victimization. This is because it is a type of death. To surrender and let go of feelings we've perhaps held onto for the majority of our lives can mean a death of certain aspects of our old selves. Sharon Salzberg states, "We must be able to say, ‘I am not that person anymore, and you are not that person anymore.'" By exploring the art of forgiveness, we are giving ourselves the tools to be reborn. We are taking a pause from the rest of our daily experiences and focusing our attentions on forgiveness.
In looking at why this choice is such an important one, I would like to share a traditional folktale that is found in Tara Brach's book Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha (2003). This folktale says that a man lived who became very scared of his shadow. He was so scared that he attempted to run away from it. He ran faster and faster, but could not release himself from it. This man believed that if he could only be away from this shadow, he would indeed be happy. He became very upset after running for a long time, becoming exhausted without any progress made. The man was finally so exhausted that he fell to the ground dead. This is a story of our shadow selves, the parts of ourselves that we want to keep in the dark and not see.
We learn from a very young age what is acceptable and what is not. The emotions that we have learned are not suitable to express are fear and anger. When we do feel these emotions, we often create negative beliefs about our self-worth, such as thoughts of not being lovable or good enough. We keep ourselves busy by doing many activities so that we never have to face these parts of ourselves. Tara Brach says, "The more deeply we feel flawed and unlovable, the more desperately we run from the clutches of the shadow. Yet by running from what we fear, we feed the inner darkness. Whenever we reject a part of our being, we are confirming to ourselves our fundamental unworthiness."
In order for the pattern of running from our shadow selves to cease, we need to take moments of stillness to truly be with ourselves. It is when we pause from the activities of our lives that we begin the process of forgiveness. This is a time of listening to the rejected parts of ourselves and surrendering to our experiences of life. As we continue to take moments to pause from activities, we can become more conscious beings throughout our entire lives. In the book A Gradual Awakening (1979), Stephen Levine says, "When we can surrender into the moment without any attachment anywhere, so that anything that arises is seen with a soft, non-judging mind, we experience our completeness. We can be with our loneliness, or our fear, or even our self-consciousness in a very complete way. We can see that these are just passing states of mind, and, though they may be painful to acknowledge, the recognition of their presence is the truth and the truth is beautiful." Let us step further into the truth of who we are by looking more deeply into the art of forgiveness.
Ordinary Forgiveness
That which many of us consider to be forgiveness involves trying to let go of the past by saying, "I'll let bygones be bygones." This type of forgiveness is called ordinary forgiveness. When we practice ordinary forgiveness, we let go of the past, but hold onto the idea that we have been wronged by another person or by a situation. This method usually requires a great deal of time to feel any results. We may even come to the point of thinking we've forgiven people until another situation arises which brings up our deepest feelings of anger, sadness, or victimization towards them.
Why is it that ordinary forgiveness doesn't easily enable us to come to a place deep forgiveness? When we try this type of forgiveness, we often feel two desires that are in direct opposition. The first desire is to forgive, which is an abstract idea. We don't want to feel angry or resentful and like the idea of only feeling love towards all people and situations. However, we also hold the deep desire to condemn the person or situation that we think made us feel bad. We may feel that the fact of the situation is that we were wronged: someone stole from us, lied to us, or hurt us in some way. From a very young age, many of us learned to judge ourselves and others. Since judgment has been with many of us for most of our lives, it is a pattern of thought that is difficult to release. Colin Tipping states, "In trying to forgive the willful perpetrator of what we see as a crime against us, the desire to forgive is in direct opposition to our need to condemn." (http://www.iloveulove.com)
Ordinary forgiveness maintains the idea that we were victims. We may say that we've let the situation go, but we still hold true that the person did something wrong to us. It is the powerful archetype of the victim that keeps people from releasing their emotional baggage. Core beliefs of the victim archetype include the feeling that we need to be responsible for everyone else, that we would have much better lives if we had different childhoods, that we don't deserve to be loved, or that other people are more important than us. The belief that we have been victimized is a necessary part of our structures of reality. If the key belief that we are victims is removed from our realities, the whole pyramid of reality that we have spent our lives creating will crumble. The power of the archetype of the victim extends past an individual to the mass consciousness as well. It has been a part of our mass consciousness for thousands of years. According to Colin Tipping, Jesus was the embodiment of forgiveness; however, Jesus was made to seem like the ultimate victim of us all. Why is it that this archetype has been able to remain a part of mass consciousness for so long? According to Colin Tipping, this is "because the victim archetype is sustained by the Ego, that wholly false belief system that holds that we are separated from God and that God is angry with us and will one day punish us." To change this belief is the key to our freedom from victimization. Even though the belief that we are victims may play a large role in our present realities, we can shift the way we look at ourselves and the world.
In his book Walking Between The Worlds (1997) Gregg Braden states that it is the belief that we are separate from our Source that is at the core of all our fears as well. Braden states that there are three basic fears: the fear of abandonment, fear of not being enough, and fear of trusting. In looking at our lives, we can question our feelings of inadequacy, victimization, and self-doubt and see how they stem from a belief of separation. When this happens, there is an opportunity for us to recognize that we choose to hold this belief. It is merely a choice and not a fixed reality. Quantum physics has been discovering that there is an infinite potential for reality. We may choose to see things the same way every day, but this is merely a choice. Infinite possibilities mean that in one reality we are not separate from our Source. In fact, quantum physics says that we are all connected at the energetic level. When we shift this belief to the one that we are all eternally connected to our Source, our three fears hold no grounding. We can never truly be abandoned or inadequate. Neither can we ever be victims. We are always perfect and so is everything else. This is the beginning of radical forgiveness.
Radical Forgiveness
In the words of Arnoldt Patent: "Forgiveness is not letting bygones by bygones. It is coming to the realization that, seen from the spiritual perspective, nothing wrong ever happened. Therefore there is nothing to forgive." (http://www.iloveulove.com) Radical forgiveness is in alignment with the path of remembering the connectedness of all life. It shifts our beliefs about the world from one of separation to one of unity. For many spiritual people, this is the path of life. Colin Tipping states, "The principal reason for our journey is to heal the dream of separation and to remember who we are. Our Higher Selves attract others into our lives so we can play out the drama of separation for each other." (http://www.iloveulove.com)
Radical forgiveness moves us beyond the playing out of our three basic fears. We can awaken to the realization that all of the pain we've experienced has been a way for us to overcome our fears. "We can then live our life knowing that, without exception, everything that happens to us is divinely guided, entirely purposeful, and for our spiritual growth," states Tipping. Instead of asking ourselves, "what do I need to change or fix within myself" we can ask "how can I better see the perfection in my life?" Radical forgiveness asks us to look at the present moment in order to heal past wounds. We can shift the way we look at the present reality, and by doing this, all the seemingly existing problems in our lives can dissolve into perfection.
To understand where to focus our attention with radical forgiveness, we can look at two indicators of areas in our lives that haven't been resolved through forgiveness. One way to know if they are still unresolved is to notice how we feel when we think of the situation or person. If a reaction occurs in our bodies other than love, compassion, or peace when we think of the person or situation, we have yet to resolve it. Another good indicator of something being unresolved is if we become very upset when we see something similar occurring to other people in the world. The more we feel upset, the more we are projecting our own unresolved pain onto them.
Radical forgiveness holds that feelings of anger, victimization, and unworthiness are all calling us to see the connectedness of life instead of holding the belief of separation. The universe often brings a lesson around again for us in order to have the opportunity to resolve it. Colin Tipping says, "That's what we call a recurring pattern and it always indicates a core issue that still needs to be healed." When we are faced with a similar situation, we are given the chance to unblock any stuck energy around an old issue. "Radical Forgiveness enables us to release anger, blame and resentment. It shows us how to let go of control and surrender to life in the moment so we can heal—even from cancer. Through Radical Forgiveness, our relationships improve, problems dissolve immediately, we become more loving of other people as well as of ourselves, and we raise our vibration. That's when miracles happen." (Tipping, http://www.iloveulove.com)
Philosophy Of Radical Forgiveness
Radical forgiveness is a spiritual philosophy that will work for anyone. Take a moment and open your mind and heart to the possibility of this philosophy. It may greatly help you or others in your life. Also notice if you have any aversions to these ideas. Paying attention to such aversions can be great insights into your own unconscious beliefs. The first part of the philosophy of radical forgiveness states that there are at least two realities that exist. These are called "the world of divine truth" and "the world of humanity." The world of divine truth is spiritual and exists beyond our five senses. In this way, we cannot fully understand the world of divine truth. It is mysterious to us. Also in existence, however, is the world of humanity, and this reality exists within the five senses. It is in the world of humanity that humans live as divine beings having experiences in human bodies.
The next part of the philosophy of radical forgiveness states that what we see in the outer world is actually a projection of our inner states of consciousness. In this way, the outer world is sometimes called an illusion, in that what we see is a projection of our inner states. Our unconscious beliefs, ideas, and attitudes all affect how we are manifesting, and interpreting, our outer worlds. Radical forgiveness holds true that we co-create the reality of the world of humanity with Spirit. We cannot change or control our outer worlds without changing our consciousness first.
Changing our consciousness begins healing any wounds within ourselves that affect our belief systems. In order to heal ourselves, we must feel our emotions. Working with anger and fear within ourselves is necessary to fully step into forgiveness. If we do not know what lies in our unconsciousness, we can look to our outer realities for answers. Part of this philosophy states that there is purpose in all events that occur; nothing happens haphazardly, but is instead part of the unfolding of a divine plan for spiritual growth. If we resist that which life provides us, we can experience our co-created reality as being painful. This doesn't have to be the case, though.
If we ever become upset with another person (or situation) we are doing so only because they resonate with a part of ourselves that we have denied, condemned, repressed, or projected onto others. Our souls will continue to manifest situations that provide us with the opportunity to heal the ways that we believe the world to be that are not in alignment with the world of divine truth. "People come into our lives to lovingly ‘act out' the parts over and over until we heal the error. Herein lies the gift," states Colin Tipping (http:www.iloveulove.com). Any people who are the most difficult for us to deal with are actually our greatest teachers. These people may mirror a part of ourselves that we have rejected and put off onto others. They may also be making us look at a part of ourselves that we have repressed. Another possibility is that such people may be keeping us on our path by helping us to keep an agreement we made with Spirit to complete a karmic debt, past life contract, or to transform energies on the planet. These people offer us the gift of bringing to light these parts of ourselves that we have denied. We can then focus on these aspects of ourselves and see what they need in order to resolve any emotional, mental, or physical blocks around them. Tipping states, "Radical forgiveness raises consciousness, thus allowing our Higher Self to acknowledge the energy of the Perfect Wellness."
Four Steps Of Radical Forgiveness
So how can we apply the spiritual philosophy of radical acceptance to our lives? Colin Tipping offers a four-step process that we can apply in the moment, or shortly after, something disturbing to us happens. The first step is to look at the situation and say, "Look what I created!" This takes us out of feeling victimized to the circumstances. It instead allows us to take responsibility for creating situations that allow us to heal and reminds us of our power in co-creating reality. The second step is to notice any judgments that we may feel and to send love to ourselves. This step is about recognizing that judgment is part of being human and reminds us that we do not need to judge ourselves for judging situations. The third step asks us to be willing to see the perfection in a seemingly imperfect situation. In opening ourselves to be willing, we are surrendering to the larger divine plan of life. We may not be able to understand this plan mentally, but we can trust in it to bring us perfect circumstances for our spiritual development.
This can be a difficult step because we may hold the belief that the world isn't trustworthy because of the ways in which we have interpreted previous experiences. Nancy Only points out in her book Living By Conscious Choice (2005) that we trust that many parts of our realities will be the same day-to-day, such as that the grocery store will be stocked with food or that the sun will rise and set. Nancy Only suggests that we extend this trust to more abstract situations. When we worry over something in the future, for example, we can feel the trust that we know how to tap into and surround our future worry with it. The fourth step in radical forgiveness is to choose to feel the power of peace. Since the divine plan is being acted out in this situation, we can choose to feel peace instead of resistance. We can surrender in the perfection of life.
Gangaji encourages us to surrender even more deeply than we may be used to in her book You Are That! Volume II (1996). Gangaji states, "There may be strategic impulses to fight, to deny, to indulge, to pretend, to protect, to dismiss, and to trivialize; but deeper than all those is the call to just be. In surrender to being, an even deeper surrender is revealed. Be. Be more. Discover if you can find a limit to being. For this discovery, you must surrender all ideas of who you are, where you are, how you are, what you are, when you are, and more. Surrender all ideas to pure beingness and then see." In addition to these four steps of radical forgiveness, there are other aspects of forgiveness that can be helpful for us to explore, and in the following sections of this course, we will look at non-judgment and acceptance. These can be used hand in hand with the four steps to radical forgiveness and together can make for a deeper experience of forgiveness.
Non-Judgment
When we take time from the activities that fill our lives to sit and be with all parts of ourselves, feelings and memories that are painful might arise. It can be challenging to know how to deal with these experiences because the practice of forgiveness may seem new to us. A practice that can be helpful in looking at past incidences of pain is that of non-judgment. In the book Living By Conscious Choice (2005), Nancy Only talks about the beliefs of the founder of Attitudinal healing, Gerald Jampolsky. According to Only, Jampolsky states that forgiveness means giving up any hopes that our pasts could have been better. The past already happened, and its events cannot be changed.
What can be changed, however, is our own perceptions of what occurred in the past. In looking further at this, Nancy Only also brings in wisdom from Allen Watson in his book A Workbook Companion: Volume II. Watson points out that in forgiving a past experience, we need not focus on forgiving others, but instead on ourselves. At some point in our lives we choose to see the world as being separate from us, and it was this choice that caused us to loose our sense of peace with the universe. Watson is quoted as saying, "When you forgive, the first is that you recognize that you have not lost your peace or your love because of what happened; you lost it because you chose to lose it. You decided, at some point, to let go of the peace of God in your heart. The event then came along to justify your loss of peace. You projected the loss of peace onto the event and said, ‘That is why I am upset.'" By seeing our loss of love and peace as our own choice, we can no longer blame others for the ways that we feel. We can take responsibility for our own lives and choices. It is true that we may feel others have done things that we do not like or approve of, and according to Watson, this is fine. We simply need to differentiate between not liking what someone does and feeling that they are responsible for our emotional pain.
Please take a moment at this point in the course to notice how you are feeling. Take a few deep breaths and tune into how taking responsibility for your feelings feels. It is a huge shift for many people and can trigger self-doubts. We can begin to say, "But my situation is different" or "He really did harm me, and if that didn't happen I would be happy." If these doubts do come up, this is fine. Simply sit with them and listen. It is good that we begin to feel the beliefs we have around our own self-empowerment in being co-creators of our realities. We have been taught by our society, religions, teachers, maybe even parents, that we are not powerful, that the outside world is strongest, and that we need to continually change the outside world in order to feel differently inside. Radical forgiveness, quantum physics, and many spiritual leaders are saying just the opposite.
Nancy Only invites us to explore what our expectations of life, and specifically, of certain situations, look like. It is when we set up expectations and they are not met that we feel victimized. We then point fingers at the outside world and say, "It's all your fault." Only suggests that when people or events meet our expectations that we want to keep them in our lives because they feel good. When someone or something doesn't meet or expectations, we first distance ourselves emotionally, mentally, or physically from the person or situation. Two key questions that Only states in her book Living By Conscious Choice (2005) are: "…to what extent will we allow our expectations to control our experiences? How personally do we choose to take the events in our lives?" We can attain true freedom and happiness when we allow our expectations and judgments to go. We oftentimes form judgments without knowing enough information about the person or situation. Our views are based on a limited understanding of reality.
In the book The Four Agreements (1997), Miguel Ruiz states that we all have our own books of laws. These laws say what is good and what is bad, but they are different for each one of us. The fact that each of us looks at the world differently and has differing expectations is not part of many of our realities. We expect everyone else to follow our own book of laws. We project our realities onto others, and when this happens, we set ourselves up to be disappointed.
How, then, can we let go of judgment based on our expectations? Nancy Only says that simply letting judgment go seems impossible to her. It is too hard to let such a pattern disappear from our minds instantaneously. However, Nancy Only does suggest using the practice of surrendering to every moment as a way of noticing when feelings of judgment arise. When judgment does come up, we can acknowledge the desire to feel the judgment because of its familiarity to us, and then breathe deeply. With the breath, release the judgment. It is then helpful, according to Nancy Only, to affirm our "willingness to be open to each new experience." Many of us can see what it is like to feel judgment by looking back at our lives. Experiencing non-judgment can open up many new experiences for us. Nancy Only states, "When we give up our insistence that we are right, we make room for joy, for peace of mind, and for wealth of new experiences to fill our lives." When we can understand that our memories of the past are made up of our own expectations and judgments, we can then move that to the future and see that our visions create our future experiences.
When we talk about the future, many "what ifs" may arise, and it is in this frame of mind that many people go about living their lives. People are often never fully in the present moment, but instead in fear or anger about the past and future. John Lennon said, "Life is what happens while we're making plans." Nancy Only does not say that surrendering into a non-judgmental, present, and fully conscious state of being is easy, but that it is a highly worthy goal for life. In taking steps towards opening ourselves in these ways, we will begin to feel the benefits. These steps include seeing our realities from the perspective of co-creators and letting go of expectations by breathing and choosing to be open to life. We can send love to ourselves when we are judgmental and trust in a larger plan of life than we might be able to understand. We then open ourselves to the new experiences that we encounter with an open heart and mind.
Acceptance
A large part of forgiveness is acceptance. Acceptance can be used with different meanings. It can be used to refer to when we are defeated by a situation and we accept our defeat. Cheri Huber offers a powerful meaning of acceptance in her book When You're Falling, Dive 2003); "Acceptance is nothing less than the complete transformation of what one has believed to be one's self and one's reality." Cheri Huber states that in each moment we have the choice to resist life or to accept it. Resistance leads to suffering. We can make no changes by resisting what exists in the moment.
Why do we continue to resist life, even in the subtlest of ways? Huber says that resistance maintains our ego identities. By resisting, we are saying, "No, I am not that. I am this." We say no to everything that isn't in alignment with our own sense of self, and with this, the underlying belief is that life is threatening. People often find themselves thinking about what is wrong in their lives or in the world. Huber suggests asking ourselves what we mean by "wrong." When something is unacceptable to us in the outside world, it is a signal of what we deny within ourselves. According to Cheri Huber, "All struggle is a struggle to accept ourselves. Our lack of acceptance appears to be about other people, places, and things, but it is not."
The Buddha taught that people could end their suffering through contemplation of the body, mind, and emotions. This brings us from a place of responding to life out of conditioned responses speaking from our perceptions of victimization to a place of conscious awareness. The process that Huber encourages us to engage in comes from the Buddha, who lived 2500 years ago. It is to recognize a sequence of progression within ourselves. The first part of this is to recognize that movement is a part of everything. Even rock formations and plants move, but because of our limited perceptions, many people are not able to notice this. The second aspect is sensation. We experience the movement within our bodies: the flow of the blood and fluids and the expansion of our chests with each breath. The next part of this progression is that we form thoughts about the sensations we experience. This might be that we feel cold or that we feel heavy and relaxed. Next are emotions. These are how we perceive the thoughts. "I don't like being cold." We then turn to a behavior that is conditioned. This may be, "I put on a sweater because it is cold." By learning to watch this process of movement to behavior, we can identify what our perceptions of certain experiences are and begin to accept them.
We all have many unexamined assumptions that when looked at are really quite small. They may have a large influence over our lives and seem scary because we have denied looking at them for so long, but they are not. We can begin to understand our assumptions by figuring out the sensations that trigger them. We can also notice what it feels like in our bodies when we resist and when we accept. Resistance causes clenching in many people's bodies. If we can learn to accept more of our experiences in life, we will not use our energy toward resisting and may find ourselves more energized for life. Radical forgiveness and acceptance go hand in hand. They complement each other by giving us more tools in order to come into this new way of being. And what do the people practicing acceptance and radical forgiveness say that these new ways of being can be like? According to Sanaya Roman in Living With Joy (1986) we can feel unconditional love towards ourselves and others all of the time. "If you exist in a feeling of love—if you can find it in everything you do, transmit it through your touch, through your words, eyes, and feelings—you can cancel out with one act of love thousands of acts of a lower nature."
Practices
There are many practices that can help us to be more conscious in each moment. By bringing awareness into our every experience, we will be better able to feel when emotions or thoughts of resistance arise in us. These are points in our consciousness that have not been resolved. Awareness is a huge step in transformation, and by knowing what our unresolved emotions are, we can ask the question, "What are their roots?" We can then apply radical forgiveness to the situation and transform our beliefs about it. The first step in this process, however, is to increase our awareness, which these practices focus on first. In reading through these practices, you may find that you are attracted to some more than others. I would like to encourage you to try all of them if they feel comfortable because they may be helpful tools for yourself or others at some future time. You may find modifying these practices by changing them to fit your own personality and any practices that you know already to be potent as well. I am offering several practices to give you a broader range of experiential knowledge.
Breath is essential to human life. It is our breath that keeps our consciousness rooted in our bodies. Through our breath, we can become more aware and present for life. We do not need to set aside large amounts of time for breath work, although it certainly can be powerful to do so as well. In his book Peace Is Every Step: The Path Of Mindfulness In Everyday Life (1991), Thich Nhat Hahn offers us breathing techniques to bring mindfulness to our time driving, washing dishes, sitting at our desks, or any other experience in which we feel drawn to practice this. Thich Nhat Hahn recommends using the red color of brake and traffic lights as symbols to remember to breathe. During this practice, we take a large breath in, feeling the nourishing air fill our throats, chests, and lungs. This air can even be felt expanding our backs, sides, and stomachs. Then exhale, allowing our breaths to fall out of our bodies almost effortlessly. We can start with this, taking several deep breaths. Notice how even a few breaths can affect your body. Do you feel more present? Do you notice any parts of your body that feel resistant to your breath? Breathing into our chests and allowing our chests to rise and fall can bring much energy to our hearts. Many of us breathe very shallowly most of the time and part of this may be that we are not living our lives from our hearts. Breathing can bring us deeper into our heart spaces. Now, with the inhale we can say, "Breathing in, I know I am breathing in" and then on the exhale, "Breathing out, I know I am breathing out." This can be shortened to saying, "In" and "Out" with our inhales and exhales. Thich Nhat Hahn says, "As you practice, your breath will become peaceful and gentle, and your mind and body will also become peaceful and gentle." The beauty of this practice is that it can be done in many situations, and the benefits can be felt after just a few conscious breaths.
More practices that can be helpful in becoming more present to each moment involve letting go of fear, anger, sadness, doubt, parts of our pasts, and limiting beliefs. The first practice comes from Sharon Salzberg's book Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness (1995). Sharon Salzberg states, "The intention of forgiveness meditation is not to force anything, or to pretend to anything, or to forget about ourselves in utter deference to the needs of others. In fact, it is out of the greatest compassion for ourselves that we create the conditions for an unobstructed love." Salzberg reminds us that forgiveness is indeed a process, during which emotions of conflict may come up. These can include confusion, shame, anger, and doubt. Salzberg encourages us to try not to judge such emotions when they arise, but instead to recognize that they are natural to the process of forgiveness. We can then move our minds back to the forgiveness meditation.
In this practice, there are three parts: asking for forgiveness from those who have hurt us, offering forgiveness to those we have hurt, and offering forgiveness to ourselves. To practice this meditation, we sit comfortably with our eyes closed, and we allow our breath to be natural. We then say aloud or silently, "If I have hurt or harmed anyone, knowingly or unknowingly, I ask their forgiveness." At this point, images of people or situations may arise. When this happens, we can focus on each one and ask for forgiveness. Whenever the time feels right, we can turn our awareness to the offering of forgiveness to anyone or any situation that has hurt us. "If anyone has hurt or harmed me, knowingly or unknowingly, I forgive them." Once again, we can offer forgiveness to any images of people or situations that may arise.
Salzberg notes that it is absolutely fine if feelings of love and peace are not felt. Being real with our feelings is what is most important. In this way, Salzberg states, "We are paying respects to our ultimate ability to let go and begin again. We are asserting the human heart's capacity to change and grow and love." Finally, we turn towards forgiveness of ourselves for any times we have not loved ourselves, hurt ourselves, or not lived up to our expectations. We say, "For all of the ways I have hurt or harmed myself, knowingly or unknowingly, I offer forgiveness." The intention of forgiveness will play out over time in many ways.
Another practice comes from The Pleiadian Workbook: Awakening Your Divine Ka (1996). In the first method, Amorah Quan Yin invites us to use visualization, which is a technique that has been used for at least several centuries. The symbol that we will imagine is a rose. The rose is a healing symbol that has been found in spiritual practices dating back to the twelfth century A.D. It is a symbol that helps clear us of any unnecessary energies—thoughts, emotions, or blocks—that are hindering our truest way of being. The technique that Amorah Quan Yin offers is called "blowing roses." We first close our eyes and ground ourselves, perhaps using a breathing awareness technique such as the one previously discussed. We then bring into our mind's eye the emotion, problem, belief, or part of our pasts that we are ready to transform. We can visualize this as a symbol. Amorah Quan Yin uses the example of someone who has trouble trusting anyone, even those people who are trustworthy. This person could imagine a picture that represents this issue, or even envision the word "distrust." We can place this symbol or word outside our auras and imagine putting it inside a rose of whatever color comes to mind. Breathing deeply, we can imagine the energy of this issue filling the rose and then releasing it by imagining the rose dissolving. We can even visualize blowing the rose with the symbol away from us. We continue to create and dissolve roses until the final rose stays with us for at least ten seconds. We then dissolve this rose. Running energy through our bodies during this exercise can be helpful as well.
Another practice from Amorah Quan Yin also involves visualization as a way of releasing beliefs about ourselves. Amorah Quan Yin reminds us that "There are no limits, just beliefs." This is a beautiful reminder that we create our own realities, weather it is intentional or not. Our beliefs hold great power over our realities, and the process of uncovering our beliefs is one that is essential to radical forgiveness. In order to practice this technique, we first need to listen to our thoughts enough to uncover what our unconscious beliefs are. We can then recognize it as simply a belief we have held, that it is not an absolute truth. We can come into a space of being willing to release the belief and accepting that it is a creation from ourselves, not the outside world. We then can imagine an alternative belief to the one we have held.
Finally, we need a method for letting go of our limiting beliefs. Amorah Quan Yin states, "The method I use to clear beliefs is fairly simple. After identifying a belief you would like to clear, such as ‘I'm not attractive enough for a person to ever love me,' you close your eyes and imagine a picture of a symbol to represent your belief." Hold the image, continue thinking about the belief, and begin to breathe deeply. At this point, the body may begin to respond to the belief by contracting. Perhaps your head will come down or your chest will cave in. Simply notice how your body responds as you continue breathing. If you do not notice any changes, this is fine as well. Then begin to breathe into any parts of the body that you notice have responded and tell these parts that the belief is false. Tell your body that it can relax now. Feel any tension melting out of your body. Then imagine the symbol of the belief turn into a piece of paper and visualize yourself stamping it, "CANCELLED." Do this several times, rip the paper up, and burn it with a violet flame. The violet flame transmutes the energy of beliefs to higher frequencies. This whole process can be repeated several times with the same image or new ones until your feelings around the belief have shifted.
Part of this exercise that can be helpful to practice during other times of our lives is to bring awareness to different parts of our bodies and find if we are holding any tension. Tension or any other form of discomfort can be seen as messages for ourselves into how we are affected by our lifestyles and beliefs. Barbara Brennan in her book Hands Of Light (1987) states, "The simplest kind of guidance comes every day, and many times a day in the form of discomfort." Discomfort can be experienced at the physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual levels. When we do notice discomfort, we can ask ourselves the questions: "How long has this discomfort been here? What is it saying? What can I do about it?" We can also apply the steps of radical forgiveness to the roots of our discomfort. For example: My shoulders have been tense. In asking questions of my tension, I have found out that I feel weighed down by the areas of my life that are uncertain right now. I'm having some difficulty in trusting that all will be fine. However, when I look at this from the radical forgiveness perspective, I can see that this is a wonderful lesson for me right now, even if it is challenging. Trusting in the universe is a lesson that keeps coming up for me, and everything has always worked out in the past, so why wouldn't it now?
Discussion
In looking further at the application of radical forgiveness, there is an emotional experience from my own life that I would like to offer as an example. This experience is one that has been deeply rooted in my reality for some time now. It comes from the time that I was in high school. My first big love had just moved away to go to college. When we were together, he had introduced me to my high school's party scene, and after he left, I continued to go to parties. What I found, however, was that going as a young woman without a boyfriend was quite a different experience. Suddenly, young men started coming on to me. I had very low self-esteem at this time in my life and attached a great deal of my self-worth to being with a man. I ended up trying to be with these high school guys as a way to make myself feel better. It certainly did not. After each night of being at a party, I found that I felt even more terrible about myself.
This cycle continued until it culminated in an experience with a male friend of mine. He persuaded me into having sexual relations with him even though I was so intoxicated that I could barely walk. The experience was very physically and emotionally painful to me. I felt very confused and lost afterwards. I finally turned to my parents for help, and they felt very strongly that I needed to do something so that this man didn't continue to lead other high school women into similarly painful experiences. This momentarily turned my feeling of being a victim into one of being a hero. He was convicted of having sexual relations with a minor, but this only made me feel worse about the whole situation because I was unsure as to what had really happened between us. Was I raped? Was it my fault that the whole situation happened because I drank too much?
I felt upset with this young man, but most of my doubt and sadness was towards myself. Forgiving myself for not being stronger in this situation has been one of my hardest challenges with forgiveness. It has affected my self-esteem, relationships, and beliefs of the world. I went through several types of therapy and felt that I had let the incident go. The processes of therapy that I went through all fell into the category of ordinary forgiveness. I simply wished that the whole thing hadn't happened, but also felt so tired of dealing with it, that I convinced myself I had worked through the incident. It wasn't until I moved back to the area in which this occurred and saw this man in passing that I realized I still hadn't radically forgiven the situation, him, or myself.
A great deal of healing occurred for me during a beautiful meditation on my heart center that I learned in a healing class. In this meditation, I visualized my heart center as a temple with a lovely garden outside of it and a gate surrounding the area. In my vision I saw myself entering into the gate of my heart and then going inside the temple itself, where there was a red crystal. I became centered in this space, connecting myself both to the earth and the heavens. I then asked that the higher self of the person I had this experience with enter into my heart temple as well. I felt very scared at first, but then started connecting with him at a higher level than any of our previous interactions. We conversed about how both of our egos had been hurt, but also how the core of our beings were untouched. We were both glowing with light and held hands. He then said goodbye and disappeared, leaving me with a very open heart. I am now shifting my perspective to one that embraces this experience, seeing it as a core lesson for me on forgiveness. This was a great lesson in not feeling victimized by the universe and instead looking deeper at the situation to find out what I could learn from it.
This is all part of radical forgiveness. It shifts the energy around the situation, allowing for new beliefs to be formed about what happened. We manifest our own realities, and with this, we can heal past wounds by learning the lessons they presented for us and then re-kindling our trust in the universe.
In the book Health Building (1985), Dr. Stone asks us the question: Have we learned what we need to from painful experiences? Are we ready to move on to healthy, love-filled ones? There are lessons that we can learn from being in pain, whether it be emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual in nature. There may be other ways to learn such lessons, but pain can be a vehicle for them to present themselves in our lives. One of the most beautiful parts of Dr. Stone's questions to me is the ability we have to move past painful experiences. By learning our lessons and shifting our perceptions, we can step into a joyful, healthy experience of life. I am currently in the process of doing this and can see that in doing so, I am turning into the person that I have always wanted to be. What lessons are being presented in your life? Have you seen these lessons in the past, and if so, how have you dealt with them? Can you see something that you've learned from them?
Conclusion
We all experience pain at points during our lives. One way to deal with pain is to suppress it by engaging in activities that keep our minds off that which we do not want to see. This can turn into a life-long path, however, and one that will not be free from the effects of pain. For even suppressed pain will affect the health of our emotions, minds, and physical bodies. Radical forgiveness, non-judgment, acceptance, and increasing awareness offer us tools to lovingly reach out to these denied pieces of ourselves. We can offer these processes to the stored pain in our bodies along with any present or future situations that appear for us. The world doesn't have to be looked at as a struggle in which we are separate beings striving to make lives amongst many other separate life forms. We can look at the world as being united through energy. In this view of life, everything that presents itself is a spiritual gift for us to evolve. We can resist or go with the flow. It is our choice.
Gangaji uses the metaphor of Spirit as a river in her book You Are That! (1996). We are all within this river of life, but we have the choice to let go or to cling onto a rock out of fear of flowing with the river. Those who cling to rocks will be continually struggling to keep their grips firm. They will always have the fear of letting go. Those who do let go of their rocks, however, will be able to use their intuition and knowledge to avoid any obstacles in the way, while flowing with the stream of life. People who have learned to fully accept life and release their blocks in order for life to flow better through them remind us that we too can find this space. Quantum physics is showing us that anything is possible. The realities we see are few in an infinite pool. We can heal ourselves and help in the healing of others because this is our true nature.
Dr. Stone also uses the metaphor of a river in Health Building (1985). "Life is a river; it is a road, a direction of energy waves and currents in our being that leads to more water of life, more space and tolerance and to higher pinnacles of love and understanding, through pleasure and pain, through success and failure, through trials and overcoming all our negative factors of thinking, doing and feeling, into harmony of love and its fullness of expression through understanding and compassion." Each one of us can come more fully into the path of life through the practices described in this course. Let us really take in the words
The Dalai Lama offers in his book An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion In Everyday Life (2001). "I believe that each of us has the same potential to develop inner peace and thereby achieve happiness and joy. Whether we are rich or poor, educated or uneducated, black or white, from the East or the West, our potential is equal." And take a few deep breaths. This is the path you have been walking through our exploration of forgiveness. May its benefits spread deeply into your life and those lives that you touch.