Essentially, people have a fear of getting closer because old patterns will surface. Getting closer to someone puts us in a vulnerable position, and we fear getting hurt once again. Yet in order to grow, old patterns must be allowed to emerge and be integrated in relationships, for love has the power to help us heal. Love is the vehicle through which we can face our history, integrate painful feelings and discover our distorted belief systems based on old reactions. To this effect Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks declare in their book Centering And The Art Of Intimacy (1985), “We will not rest until we are free of the burden of the past and in a relationship where the present is vibrant and loving. That is why we return time and again to the arena of close relationships.”

Emotional responses to painful feelings associated with our patterns can be seen as coping strategies that many of us are familiar with. It is revealing to view these behaviors as results of “Life Agreements” made at an early age. Life Agreements can be seen as conditions which we perceived, as children, to be safe and helpful to us. They may have been useful to help us function at the time, but they no longer serve us even though they may drive us subconsciously. In simplified form, some coping strategies and the possible Life Agreements at their source are presented here for consideration:

1. Going Numb: shutting down feelings, hiding behind routines

Life agreement: “If I can make myself not feel and see what’s going on around me, maybe it won’t hurt so much.”

1. Making Our Partner Wrong: finding fault, retreating righteously

Life Agreement: “Since I don’t know anything, I’ll show them up however I can so I won’t be hurt.”

1. Falling Into Power Struggles: using the relationship to work out unresolved personal power issues.

Life Agreement: “Since I feel so weak in this crazy world, I’ll let others make the decisions.”

1. Projecting Onto Our Partner: complex and subtle, these are negative traits we blame our partner for.

Life Agreement: “It is too dangerous and painful to see myself in negative ways, so I will be Mommy’s good little girl/boy.”