Intimate Relationships In Today's World
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
Introduction
Review Of Literature
Relationships
Facing Old Patterns & Spotting Coping Defenses
Examination Of Projection
Recognizing And Fostering The Need For Separateness
Integrating Our Negative Emotions
Setting Enlightening Intentions
Cultivating Positive Relationship Habits
Intimate Relationships & Karma
Bibliography
Written by Margaret Branch
Introduction
At the brink of the 21st Century, we find ourselves in a rapidly changing society. Technology has facilitated the process of communication to become easier and speedier through the growing use of computers, mobile phones, and more. The nature of this communication is mostly information-based, but has become pervasive and affects us more deeply than we realize. In present times, the art of relating intimately to a partner and being able to express and process emotions faces many challenges, and the experience of coupling up and sharing living space requires new parameters in order to succeed. As well, the traditional models of marriage and family are now in a state of flux as changes in the economy demand a two-income household just to survive. In fact, the family profile is transforming dramatically with many people electing to postpone having children, if at all.
As societal expectations of male and female roles drop away, many people find themselves searching for new ways to be good partners in their own right. However, the desire for intimate connection is affected by variables such as work demands, difficulty in managing time effectively, and the need for personal recreation and exercise to balance a busy lifestyle. To compound the problem, the communication skills with which we have been raised are not very effective, and they become exacerbated by the impersonal tone of our day-to-day interactions.
In order to investigate tools for developing harmonious and growth-oriented partnerships under these societal disadvantages, this course will not focus on the formation of dysfunctional relationships based on deep childhood trauma involving abuse of many kinds. That is a far deeper subject. It will, however, attempt to encourage and present general skills for managing romantic partnerships skillfully and consciously, while acknowledging the spiritual aspects of relationship for the purpose of evolving into higher awareness. Regardless, there is much important information to examine regarding the forces that have led us toward the desire for such commitment.
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Review Of Literature
Escape From Intimacy: Untangling The Love Addictions: Love, Romance, Relationships (1989), is written by Anne Wilson Shaeff, Ph.D., a former psychotherapist. In addition, Shaeff is a lecturer and a trainer or healthcare professionals in Living Process Facilitation. In this book, she unravels the complex forms of relationship addictions, pointing out the difference between sexual, love and romance addictive behaviors and how they can be easily confused. For the purposes of this paper, it is noteworthy to focus on her concepts of the development of relationship addiction, in general.
Heart Over Heels: 50 Ways Not To Leave Your Lover (1989) is written by Bob Mandel, who has written other books on the art of relationship and is the National Director of the loving Relationships Training program. In a world where it is difficult to create a good, enduring relationships, he works with the pitfalls by using the vehicle of a fictional case history of two lovers going through transitions. Each section, representing the transition, ends with affirmations and spiritual advice. A mix between a novel and a self-help book, Heart Over Heels is fun to read.
Soulmates: Honoring The Mysteries Of Love And Relationships (1994), by Thomas Moore, is a poetic book. For twelve years Moore was a Catholic monk, and as a philosopher and theologian he is an influential lecturer and writer. His prose elaborates on the soulfulness of archetypal psychology and mythology as he endeavors to help people get a better understanding of themselves through introspection, grace, and gratitude which honors the natural impulses of the soul in relationship. This is a book to muse with as a background in considering the art of intimate relating.
Centering And The Art Of Intimacy (1985) was written by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. This book establishes many of the practices for enlightened relationships. The authors, a popular team of therapists practicing conscious relationship skill-building in private practice and nation-wide workshops, went on to write a more in-depth book called Conscious Loving: A Journey to Co-Commitment (1990). As a specific guide to building and maintaining an intimate partnership, Conscious Loving is highly recommended as an updated source to have in one's library, even though not directly used in this paper. Centering and the Art of Intimacy, as a precursor to Conscious Loving, presents a lot of this material in a short volume which is absorbing and easy to read.
Learning To Love Yourself (1993) by Gay Hendricks is a small, yet foundational volume regarding the art of relationship, in that it spells out how to practice unconditional self-love in every moment. The author uses himself as an example, and it is easy to absorb and understand.
Emotional Clearing (1993), by John Ruskan, is a large compilation of information. It ranges from the basic steps of recognizing, accepting and integrating our emotional patterns to yoga meditation practices and cleansing breath work. This book is useful for the "singular" path of learning to release negative feelings, but has some insight on how we project onto relationships with our un-integrated fear of being alone.
The two books, Journey Of Souls (1995) and its sequel, Destiny Of Souls (2002) by Dr. Michael Newton are truly amazing revelations. Dr. Newton, who is a hypnotherapist in private practice, gives us the accounts of 29 people in the hypnotic state of superconsciousness. From this vantage point, they describe their experiences in graphic detail between incarnations. The aspects of incarnating with soul mates is mentioned for the purposes of this paper. Both books are recommended reading for anyone interested in metaphysics, as much can be gained from reading them.
In Journey Of The Heart: The Path Of Conscious Love (1990), John Welwood writes about the challenge of conscious relationship. A clinical psychologist and therapist in private practice, he describes how we can deepen our capacity to connect with others in a spiritual and heartful way. It is useful for expanding our awareness of ourselves in relationship.
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Relationships
To begin, we must determine the basis for two people coming together. We can safely say that the purpose of both heterosexual and homosexual relationships is to attempt to meet emotional needs. It is important to investigate our motives for meeting those needs, which can range from a basic desire to be in another person's company to the need for economic support. Loneliness is a huge factor in a society that tends to alienate us from others due to the influences mentioned above, changing family profiles, and increased geographical mobility. How we deal with that loneliness can lead to the formation of bonds with others that may not be healthy. Counselors and psychologists have recently addressed the dysfunctional aspect of preoccupation with romantic relationship, characterized by a person engaging a great deal of his or her mental energy, even on a daily basis, thinking about it.
The question then becomes one of asking what is at the root of this obsession, in order to create healthier alternatives. If we understand the extent to which genuine interpersonal connection is becoming increasingly repressed in our times with our consumer-oriented, goal-achieving society, which fosters a lack of intimacy by its very emphasis on impersonal technology, then we can have better understanding of our mass conditioning through the media—where superficial values for success based on looking good, driving a new car, and owning material things are disseminated daily. Romantic relationships are viewed as the "answer" to what is in effect a great need for emotional fulfillment, and a hunger for individual regard and acceptance buried in the driving quest for faster and more lucrative ways to produce, survive, and recreate. In such a context, the means of personally relating to others can be formula-based and full of generalized assumptions.
A current writer specializing in relationship addiction demonstrates how relationship skills leading to such an addiction can be easily formed under normal circumstances in late childhood. Relationship addicts may have characteristics that are quite problematic in actual relationships, but they are socially acceptable and considered "benign" when they are being learned. It would be well to define relationship addiction, and then how the development of relationship skills plays a part in it, as we take a closer look.
In her book Escape From Intimacy (1989) Anne Schaeff defines relationship addicts as people who are "willing to sacrifice personal spiritual and moral values to hold on to the illusion of being in a relationship." They are addicted to the concept of relationship, and/or obsessed with being in relationship with a particular person, whether or not the relationship works. The other people involved are not as important for the addict as the availability of the mood-altering drug—which is the illusion of the relationship itself, or the belief that they have one. This obsession with a supposed relationship causes the addict to be unable to interpret the other person's actions and feelings in any other way than either "for" or "against" him or herself. As Schaeff observes, "Relationship addicts do not have relationships, they have hostages." Yet these extreme tendencies can be seen as the possible result of childhood conditioning, explored in the following paragraphs.
First it must be stated that addictive tendencies in relationships can be hard to detect, but nevertheless they are quite insidious and pervasive. This is because the very skills that we use to form intimate relationships are learned at such an early age and are integrated so deeply into our society. At their core, these social skills can include less than ethical means; for example, manipulating other people to get what we want. Manipulation may involve embellishing the truth, "white lies," or even outright deceit. As well, failing to take responsibility—especially if the situation provides an easy opportunity for it—is socially acceptable and easily learned.
In particular, relationship skills practiced by pre-pubescent girls deeply affect their future attempts to form intimate relationships. These skills are commonly accepted and set the groundwork for adult expectations, being refined all throughout adolescence by romance movies and popular songs. For example, consider the phase of having a best friend. Generally, this need is regarded by traditional developmental psychology as an important passage in life toward learning to trust and to be able to deeply confide in someone, especially as changes are perceived in the sexes. However, the "best-friend" preoccupation carries with it the less desirable aspects of exclusivity and intense jealousy. The dysfunctional aspects of drama around control and intrigue, so well depicted in the afternoon soap operas, are acted out by girls in secrecy and gossiping. These unfortunate behaviors actually lead to suffering and a crisis mentality at an early age.
Developing out of such distresses we see exclusive social cliques, and in these environments peer pressure and ostracization often occurs. At an emotionally fragile time of developing personal worth and self-identity, young teens are especially vulnerable to the damage of negative judgment and disparagement. The irony is that they are then driven to find acceptance through a close relationship with a "significant other." This drive is socially reinforced through the constant media messages, both in movies and popular songs, that we need to be coupled to be "complete," and that one's value is contingent on another's acceptance. Since searching for self-esteem in this way is strongly conditioned in our psyches, the groundwork is thus laid for the challenge of healthy adult relationships. It is easier to fall into relationship addiction tendencies because, according to Shaeff, children are actually practicing the skills that can lead to full-fledged addiction.
How can we help to forestall the continuation of such tendencies? It may seem difficult, but with concentrated attention we can start to make inroads. By bringing increased awareness to the actuality of our relationship conditioning, we can begin to restructure our priorities. Developing and teaching skills for relating in authentic, caring ways should be paramount for our children, which can act as the antidotal effort against the media's shallow presentation of intimate relationships. Perhaps the most challenging aspect to finding new ways to promote interpersonal authenticity is the careful cultivation of personal self-acceptance from an early age. Emphasis on integrating the fear of being alone is equally important, and should be approached with integrity and compassion.
Regarding intimacy in adult partnerships, many psychologists and contemporary thinkers have written about new models for relationships with a focus on "being the source of our own fulfillment" through self-love. Thomas Moore is a popular contemporary philosopher who has written best-selling books on soulfulness and love relationships from the standpoint of soul awareness. He states in his book SoulMates (1994) "Obsessive relationships take many forms, but in general they demonstrate once again how powerful are the stirrings and movements of the soul. When the soul comes to life, the ordinary wisdom of rational life goes into eclipse."
In bringing further insight to the larger meaning of soulful union, Moore refers often to the work of the great early 20th Century psychologist Carl Jung regarding intimate relationship. In "Jungian" terms, the form that marriage would ideally take is one of being a container for the individuation process. Moore explains the concept of individuation in SoulMates (1994) as "Jung's term for the lifelong process of becoming an individual, of working at the stuff of one's soul so as to be less identified with collective images and more a unique person." From this standpoint, the journey of intimate relating would be a true crucible in an alchemical vessel of transformation. In such a container the personal evolution would be the joyful acknowledgment of our own special individuality.
These views are inspiring beacons toward honoring intimate relationships as sacred, welcoming partnership as an intense learning course. It is certainly part of the romantic desire, early on, to give selflessly and extend ourselves beyond our own egos. Yet eventually the "honeymoon" is over and many couples find themselves dissatisfied, in many cases without knowing why. The tendency may be to continue on and try to make the best of it without really addressing the problems, or to separate. Even with the best of intentions, the challenges of our technological consumerist society and our conditioning—in combination with individual personality needs—can cause much confusion and disillusionment for couples.
For an insightful investigation into the difficulty of maintaining these ideals, it is useful to examine the work of some contemporary psychologists who specialize in conscious relationship skills. Gay Hendricks and his wife Kathlyn, as a professional therapist team, have helped many people understand what drives them in seeking intimate relationships. In Gay Hendricks' book Learning To Love Yourself (1993) he explains that "We seek an intense experience of the self...we want to go beyond the masks of personality and be accepted at our essence." However, as this begins to happen, we actually repel the process. According to Hendricks, this is because we fear most deeply what we are most deeply attracted to. Yet, an excellent way to find the real self within is to use intimate relationships to illuminate the masks, in order to dissolve the barriers.
If we can view relationships as constructive opportunities for our true selves to be reflected back through the eyes of an intimate partner, we realize that becoming closer can bring up the very next challenge for us to love about ourselves. Being able to appreciate the gift of this process helps us become increasingly positive, because the chance to accept and integrate an unlovable aspect of ourselves is valued rather than resented in this new paradigm. However, we need tools for learning how to shift the intent of our relationship gracefully, and with heartfelt volition. As Gay Hendricks states in Learning To Love Yourself (1993) "Relationships work when each person is willing to see that each person is an equal creator of all aspects of the relationship." In working to establish new and helpful avenues for better relating skills, the following paragraphs are some suggested topics to consider.
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Facing Old Patterns & Spotting Coping Defenses
Essentially, people have a fear of getting closer because old patterns will surface. Getting closer to someone puts us in a vulnerable position, and we fear getting hurt once again. Yet in order to grow, old patterns must be allowed to emerge and be integrated in relationships, for love has the power to help us heal. Love is the vehicle through which we can face our history, integrate painful feelings and discover our distorted belief systems based on old reactions. To this effect Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks declare in their book Centering And The Art Of Intimacy (1985), "We will not rest until we are free of the burden of the past and in a relationship where the present is vibrant and loving. That is why we return time and again to the arena of close relationships."
Emotional responses to painful feelings associated with our patterns can be seen as coping strategies that many of us are familiar with. It is revealing to view these behaviors as results of "Life Agreements" made at an early age. Life Agreements can be seen as conditions which we perceived, as children, to be safe and helpful to us. They may have been useful to help us function at the time, but they no longer serve us even though they may drive us subconsciously. In simplified form, some coping strategies and the possible Life Agreements at their source are presented here for consideration:
- Going Numb: shutting down feelings, hiding behind routines
Life agreement: "If I can make myself not feel and see what's going on around me, maybe it won't hurt so much." - Making Our Partner Wrong: finding fault, retreating righteously
Life Agreement: "Since I don't know anything, I'll show them up however I can so I won't be hurt." - Falling Into Power Struggles: using the relationship to work out unresolved personal power issues.
Life Agreement: "Since I feel so weak in this crazy world, I'll let others make the decisions." - Projecting Onto Our Partner: complex and subtle, these are negative traits we blame our partner for
Life Agreement: "It is too dangerous and painful to see myself in negative ways, so I will be Mommy's good little girl/boy."
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Examination Of Projection
While some of the above coping strategies can be more understandable to us, projection is worth looking at in its complexity. When we are projecting, we feel that other people in the world are responsible for how we think and feel, and for the events that befall us. Projection can be defined as imbuing another person, especially one close to us, with the qualities we can't accept about ourselves (both positive and negative). The qualities we don't like about ourselves cause the most trouble, and to expose this kind projection at work in our relationships we might notice what criticisms and expectations we have of our partner. If we can actually practice observing with self-compassion that we are perceiving aspects of ourselves, then we have a new understanding. We can see that negative qualities are being mirrored to us for a chance to heal them, especially if there is agreement for this to be supported by both people. By projecting our fears and anger on another, we can remain in safe denial and stay unconscious, but as the lyric goes, "harbors are not what ships are for."
Another major aspect of projection is that we expect the other to fulfill us by embodying the traits we lack. This can include the need to balance the masculine aspects of outgoing, problem-solving dynamics with those of the emotional, intuitive feminine principles. "We try to make ourselves whole by linking up with a person who represents what we do not have [and] often demand from others what we cannot give to ourselves," observe Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks in Centering And The Art Of Intimacy (1985). If we are not aware of doing this, we often do not allow the other person to become more complete in themselves for fear that the relationship will change and/or be over.
In our initial work with projection, it is important to allow ourselves to feel our feelings and to explore them. We can remember, in this process, to ask ourselves just how we learned to feel and see things in this way. We may ask what we are trying to get from the other that we did not get from a past relationship, or from life. Dismantling projection is contingent on each person having the courage to take responsibility for what emerges in the relationship. In this regard, we can understand the wisdom of the Hendricks' advice in Centering And The Art Of Intimacy (1985) that, "When we first realize the enormous power of projection, how deeply it pervades our way of seeing and being in the world, our first response to it is often outraged denial...these feelings need to be acknowledged as we loosen our bonds to the old ways of experiencing the world.
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Recognizing And Fostering The Need For Separateness
There is an important paradox in intimate relationships that we must consider for the sake of becoming whole. The paradox is that a genuinely close and evolved relationship can only succeed when each partner is also willing to be completely separate. We humans feel an equal need for autonomy as well as closeness, and there is often the fear of both, in the professional view of Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks.
The ambivalence that we feel regarding closeness and autonomy relates to how we learned to express these needs. For example, we needed closeness with our caretakers but it was based on being powerless. Independence, in turn, might have been associated with a deep fear of feeling alone and rejected. So as adults, we are often afraid of losing the independent sense of self, of being engulfed in close relationship; yet as we withdraw in order to achieve that needed separateness, we fear being lonely and not being able to get close again.
Since it is easy to be caught unconsciously in the reactive chain of events, we must recognize our fears of engulfment/isolation. We can begin by centering ourselves, and examine what is under our compulsion to get closer or retract our energies. Some questions we can ask ourselves include the following ones:
- Are we feeling a legitimate need for some interpersonal space, and not asking for it? (Or, do we fear our partner's request for space?)
- Are we controlling/monitoring our partner because we fear that they will close off to us? (Or, do we isolate without explaining our need, or reassuring our partner that we are not abandoning them?)
- Are we rushing in to assuage our partner rather than giving empathetic space for them to cycle through disturbing emotions? (Or, can we ask for the same, without threatening/projecting on our partner?)
Even though we have a strong need for autonomy, many of us fear being alone. Integrating the fear of being alone in life is fundamental to us, since we are social animals. The fact that we come into and leave the world all alone is intellectually obvious to us, but emotionally we tend to repress it because we fear it. We can become conditioned to believe that we cannot exist without others, and many people develop strong co-dependent behavior stemming from this deep-rooted fear.
John Ruskan is a teacher and author specializing in emotional processing and integration. He observes that when our fear of being alone is not integrated, it leads us into escaping the sense of isolation through intimate relationships. Dependency on others to reduce our loneliness and anxiety can become addictive and difficult to be without. However, if we can integrate our fear of being alone, Ruskan states in his book Emotional Clearing (1993), "...we enjoy our aloneness. We become creative when alone, recharging our energies, and even look forward to being alone...being with others in a non-dependent manner, which makes our company even more pleasant."
Integrating the fear of being alone allows us to move from the states of isolation/dependency to the healthier states of autonomy/relatedness. This transition seems logical, but is sometimes quite difficult for many of us. According to Ruskan, the key to achieving this different state of consciousness lies in an apparent contradiction: in order to be able to grow into a healthy balance, the need must become one of giving up the futile search for happiness outside the self, i.e. through relationships. In his teachings we are also encouraged to accept all aspects of our being without negative judgment. From this standpoint, our highest good can develop with an intimate relationship playing a key part, but it is not necessarily our primary focus.
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Integrating Our Negative Emotions
Becoming increasingly aware of our emotional patterns and how they hinder us in intimate relationships is a good start to creating better unions, and it is important to be conscious of how we suppress our negative emotions. However, once we have become more aware of our feelings and begin to explore their roots, we need to learn tools for integrating them. It is important to know how to process and integrate our emotions by ourselves as well as with our partner to keep from projecting them.
In Emotional Clearing (1993) John Ruskan outlines how to work with and integrate powerful emotions in such a way that we can break down the process. Following is a simplified outline of his recommendations:
Awareness: Intellectual function
Stay in the present moment
Identify and feel the feeling(s)
Own your experience without self-blame
Acceptance: mental function
Open to the feelings
Accept yourself and your feelings as you are
Identify how you reject yourself
Open to self-compassion
Direct Experience: Body function
Enter the feeling without resistance, analysis or blame
Identify where feelings are stored in the body
Meditate for insight on past unresolved issues directly related
Incorporate breath work or movement to accentuate body consciousness
Transformation: Spiritual function
Cultivate the higher "Observer" perspective
Intend unconditional self-acceptance only
Bring in higher healing energies to balance
Trust and open to transformation through Love
The power of this integration process is contingent on an important truth: if we do not identify with the negative aspects of self, then we can more easily move into the Observer, (or the Witness) which is representative of the Higher Self in us. As we stop the identification with conditions that are negative, it does not mean that we do not allow them to exist in our consciousness. However, by not identifying with them we can experience the negative conditions with love as opposed to judgment. In Emotional Clearing (1993) John Ruskan states, "We feel as if we are "being with" the condition, in the moment, instead of being the condition." This helps to create space around it and makes it more possible for us to keep moving forward with the process. As well, he indicates that integration can take time, and we need to be patient. The rewards for this will be great, for he reminds us in his writings, "Each time an incident is successfully integrated, you will feel the results. Your boundaries will have expanded. You will gain more freedom...you will not be moved as easily to react to or be motivated by negative patterns." In terms of relationships, the integration of negative patterns helps us to see more clearly and objectively how we interact with our partners. We are able to understand their perspective more easily, as well as to focus on the positive side of an occurrence. Situations can therefore be spontaneously reframed, which essentially means the ability to perceive them for their positive growth potential.
Doing inner work on ourselves as outlined above helps us lay the groundwork for creating enlightened intimate relationships. As we investigate new ways of being, taking an existing relationship to a higher level of enlightenment requires that intentions be set to that effect. As well, we must make certain meaningful agreements with our partners. These are the primary tasks for such a grand venture, and it is a choice that opens up opportunities we have not conceived of. The difference is that our intentions are focused toward creating and exchanging more positive energy than ever before, enlivening the relationship beyond expectation. After intentions have been deliberately set, making agreements is fairly straightforward: essentially, it consists of our partner consciously agreeing to follow what has been intended. The form that these intentions might take is illustrated below.
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Setting Enlightening Intentions
Enlightening intentions should be in the form of "I am willing..." statements. Being willing for a change to occur moves us from a focus of effort to a wider perspective. As Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks declare in their book Centering And The Art Of Intimacy (1985), "Willingness allows us to stand free of the limitations of the mind so that a deeper creativity can emerge." It is important to set intentions that both help us in our own evolution and contribute to the growth of the relationship. The act of setting new intentions will demand the insight and courage to envision and create an entirely new framework, in opposition to strong pressures from the past. Whether this envisioning succeeds or not, there will be clarity regarding what we really want. Examples of enlightened intentions can be seen in the following statements:
- "We are willing to invest our relationship with the purpose of giving and receiving the largest amount of positive energy possible."
- "We are willing to allow ourselves time away and private space in order to nurture ourselves and the relationship as often as we need to."
- "We are willing to move through all issues that are in the way of our full growth potential and ability to be close."
- "We are willing to be totally independent and totally close."
- "We are willing to allow each other full growth potential and empowerment for the strengthening of the relationship."
Being willing to talk openly and honestly about these intentions and keep our agreements helps this process to be effective, especially if we set aside time for this process.
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Cultivating Positive Relationship Habits
When enlightening intentions are deliberately set in an intimate partnership, they can be referred to as issues arise. This opportunity provides the creative impetus for safely investigating our emotional needs and old patterns, with agreements acting as the glue that holds the container together. In this context, it is useful to cultivate some conscious habits of relating for honoring intentions or revising them. According to Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, these include truth-telling, clear communication, and expressing appreciation. As more and more positive energy is generated, it is important to work with the way it flows through the body, and movement and touch are important for opening new channels for this energy. A description of these useful habits is listed below:
Practicing Emotional Honesty
Deliberate setting of a safe arena, or agreed-upon way, for feeling and expressing feelings: It can be threatening for us to reveal our true feelings based on past experiences. Thus, expressing our fear of being rejected by our partner for having concerns, in the moment, is really useful. It starts the process of engaging our partner's empathetic attention, and helps to create safer dialoguing. Expressing the need for personal space and time away can be threatening as well, so one can express that fear in the same way.
Staying "emotionally current:" One of the problems in all close relationships is one of failing to keep abreast of the emotional climate. We cycle through many ways of being and feeling, so the habit of "checking in" and giving full attention to one another, even briefly, can help keep the communication vibrant and alive.
Communicating Clearly
Asking for what we want in a clear way: The ability to communicate in ways that are effective and clear has not been well-taught to us. We may have been taught politeness, but many other factors can be explored for effective communication. One of them is to make requests in a non-threatening way, starting with, "Would you be willing to..." and then being clear about what that would be.
Accessing deeper levels of truth-telling: Because we have oftentimes been punished for knowing and speaking the truth regarding what we feel and need, it is important to give ourselves permission to be "beginners" in developing the skills for clear communication. As problematic issues arise, the more usual level of expressing ourselves will tend to contain blame, defense and judgment versus stating the naked truth about how we are feeling. If the intention has been set for more positive energy to be exchanged, then a more direct level of truth will bring about a more expansive healing.
Expressing Appreciation
Expanding our appreciation consciousness: Very often we take for granted many helpful things that our partners do, or their good qualities. We don't stop to notice them, and consequently we are unconscious of them without intending to be. Yet if we cultivate the habit of finding pleasure in those things without setting them up as expectations, it becomes a joy to be in relationship. Verbally expressing our appreciation on a daily basis in a genuine way will automatically add more positive energy to the relationship, even in such simple ways as thanking someone for being willing to cook the dinner or wash the dishes.
Reinforcing appreciation in the mirroring process: As discussed earlier, the gift that intimate partnership can bestow is to help us perceive the wounds needing healing in ourselves, with self-love. As we become aware of our emotional projections and process them through enlightening intentions that have been set, the very act of honoring the experience as valuable and appreciating our partner as a spiritual teacher for us can foster a great deal of positive energy exchange. This helps take the relationship to increasingly higher levels, which expands our boundaries more and more.
Opening Physical Channels
The need for touch: As more and more positive energy is generated, it is important to become aware of our expanded boundaries. Grounding this energy through healing touch or massage with our partners is important, as well as spontaneous demonstrations of affection such as hugging. The power of silence in conjunction with tactile contact can take partners into realms of deep peace when they are united through enlightening relationship processes.
Moving energy through the body: Aerobic workouts, dancing, and outdoor activities help us work with the flow of positive energy when it is increased. Creative, expressive movement can put us in touch with the primal forces flowing through us, and give us insight into deeper aspects of our emotional self. In this way, our sexual relationships can also be enriched.
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Intimate Relationships & Karma
It would not be possible to view the art of intimate relationships in a metaphysical context without acknowledging that we come together in all kinds of relationships, including intimate partnerships, with karmic soul companions from other lives. In this regard, a rich tapestry of possibilities for growth follows us. The dynamics of our past relationships with one another can dictate much of the emotional climate in which we find ourselves. In any case, there is always the invitation to bring our issues to conscious awareness, whether they are from this life or another. Our main purpose, regardless of how long it takes, is to bring healing to our lives. Intimate relationships can be the fast track toward that end.
In this respect, since we always attract to us what we most need to learn, the people in our lives become our teachers and relationships may come and go based on where we are in our spiritual learning. Intimate partnerships may break up, only to have similar partners appear in order to bring up the same unresolved issues. As we dedicate ourselves to higher awareness and our evolution, we may journey together with another or find a partner who matches our new vibration. It is also possible that a soul mate with whom we have journeyed is not presently incarnated. It might be destined that we will travel alone in this dimension, having contact with our mates through dreams and altered states until we meet up with them at another time/place.
The opportunities in life to learn self-compassion and how to give unconditional love are endless, but relationship break-ups can bring great sorrow over the loss of partners. There is much that can be written about grieving, then picking ourselves up and moving forward; the lessons can be hard at these times of emotional fragility. Ultimately, we can only look to higher knowledge to help guide us. In the words of Bob Mandel, author of Heart Over Heels (1989) "You can never lose what suits your higher purpose. If someone leaves you, it is to make room for someone better. Or if he/she is that someone better, he/she will return at the appropriate, even appointed time... you can never leave what you have chosen to be with forever." Suggested affirmations to help us with this emotional turmoil can include the following:
Our love is not limited to time and space
Our individual quests support our life purpose
Whatever belongs with me comes to me
I am safe enough to release my fear of loss
Since we are inseparable, we can be apart
Dr. Michael Newton is a hypnotherapist who specializes in exploring and writing about the nature of the soul between lives, prior to incarnating. He has had many clients report after-death experiences under hypnosis which corroborate with each other in various and interesting ways. The data presented by one person who died in a previous life and left behind a partner is relevant to our topic in a revealing manner.
Apparently, a man was reaching out in his discarnate state to comfort his wife right after his death, but stated that he did so as a friend and as a partner. He indicated that she was not his intimate soul mate, nor was he hers, but they had a great deal of respect for each other. They needed this relationship to work on those things which addressed their individual weaknesses and strengths. However, he said that their life contract was done, and he was hoping for her to link up with someone else if she so desired. To that effect, Dr. Newton concludes in his book Destiny Of Souls (2002), "I find most people know if the person they live with is not a significant soulmate. This does not mean they can't have good relationships [with such a soul]."
In the case of being left behind by someone who does happen to be a very significant soul mate, Dr. Newton says that survivors must trust that the departed soul is still with them. In order to complete the life contract that was made in advance, it is necessary to continue on with the rest of humanity, knowing they will meet again soon enough. In Dr. Newton's hypnosis sessions, many people have described the nature of the intimate soul groups to which they belong, and their human interactions with either members of these groups or other affiliated soul groups. Indeed, the information to be found in the books he has written, Journey Of Souls (1994) and Destiny Of Souls (2002) is quite detailed and fascinating regarding earthly cycles of experience.
To conclude this paper, it should be reiterated how rewarding it is to consciously undertake intimate relationships. The challenges are many, but they can be surmounted if the focus is right and we are aware of the pitfalls. There are many tools for growth in intimate partnership, if we seek them out and use them to our advantage. In his book A Journey Of The Heart (1989), John Welwood writes poetically about the art of intimacy with the following words: "Exploring love's potential is uncharted territory, versus making a relationship match some fixed image in our mind... This works against the chance to develop our deepest resources, which in turn grow out of our responses to the real challenges along the way."
Intimate Relationships In Today's World: Index >>
Bibliography
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Hendricks, Gay and Kathlyn 1985
Centering And The Art Of Intimacy. Prentiss Hall Press; New York, NY
Mandel, Bob 1989
Heart Over Heels: 50 Ways Not To Lose Your Lover. Celestial Arts; Berkeley, California
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Soulmates: Honoring The Mysteries Of Love And Relationship. Harper Collins Publishers; New York, NY
Newton, Michael 2002
Destiny Of Souls. Llewellyn Publications; St. Paul, Minnesota
Newton, Michael 2002
Journey Of Souls Llewellyn Publications; St. Paul, Minnesota
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Escape From Intimacy. Harper & Row Publishers; San Francisco, CA
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A Journey Of The Heart: The Path Of Conscious Love. Harper Collins Publishers; New York, NY