Relationships
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org, please feel free to visit the school website)
To begin, we must determine the basis for two people coming together. We can safely say that the purpose of both heterosexual and homosexual relationships is to attempt to meet emotional needs. It is important to investigate our motives for meeting those needs, which can range from a basic desire to be in another person’s company to the need for economic support. Loneliness is a huge factor in a society that tends to alienate us from others due to the influences mentioned above, changing family profiles, and increased geographical mobility. How we deal with that loneliness can lead to the formation of bonds with others that may not be healthy. Counselors and psychologists have recently addressed the dysfunctional aspect of preoccupation with romantic relationship, characterized by a person engaging a great deal of his or her mental energy, even on a daily basis, thinking about it.
The question then becomes one of asking what is at the root of this obsession, in order to create healthier alternatives. If we understand the extent to which genuine interpersonal connection is becoming increasingly repressed in our times with our consumer-oriented, goal-achieving society, which fosters a lack of intimacy by its very emphasis on impersonal technology, then we can have better understanding of our mass conditioning through the media—where superficial values for success based on looking good, driving a new car, and owning material things are disseminated daily. Romantic relationships are viewed as the “answer” to what is in effect a great need for emotional fulfillment, and a hunger for individual regard and acceptance buried in the driving quest for faster and more lucrative ways to produce, survive, and recreate. In such a context, the means of personally relating to others can be formula-based and full of generalized assumptions.
A current writer specializing in relationship addiction demonstrates how relationship skills leading to such an addiction can be easily formed under normal circumstances in late childhood. Relationship addicts may have characteristics that are quite problematic in actual relationships, but they are socially acceptable and considered “benign” when they are being learned. It would be well to define relationship addiction, and then how the development of relationship skills plays a part in it, as we take a closer look.
In her book Escape From Intimacy (1989) Anne Schaeff defines relationship addicts as people who are “willing to sacrifice personal spiritual and moral values to hold on to the illusion of being in a relationship.” They are addicted to the concept of relationship, and/or obsessed with being in relationship with a particular person, whether or not the relationship works. The other people involved are not as important for the addict as the availability of the mood-altering drug—which is the illusion of the relationship itself, or the belief that they have one. This obsession with a supposed relationship causes the addict to be unable to interpret the other person’s actions and feelings in any other way than either “for” or “against” him or herself. As Schaeff observes, “Relationship addicts do not have relationships, they have hostages.” Yet these extreme tendencies can be seen as the possible result of childhood conditioning, explored in the following paragraphs.
First it must be stated that addictive tendencies in relationships can be hard to detect, but nevertheless they are quite insidious and pervasive. This is because the very skills that we use to form intimate relationships are learned at such an early age and are integrated so deeply into our society. At their core, these social skills can include less than ethical means; for example, manipulating other people to get what we want. Manipulation may involve embellishing the truth, “white lies,” or even outright deceit. As well, failing to take responsibility—especially if the situation provides an easy opportunity for it—is socially acceptable and easily learned.
In particular, relationship skills practiced by pre-pubescent girls deeply affect their future attempts to form intimate relationships. These skills are commonly accepted and set the groundwork for adult expectations, being refined all throughout adolescence by romance movies and popular songs. For example, consider the phase of having a best friend. Generally, this need is regarded by traditional developmental psychology as an important passage in life toward learning to trust and to be able to deeply confide in someone, especially as changes are perceived in the sexes. However, the “best-friend” preoccupation carries with it the less desirable aspects of exclusivity and intense jealousy. The dysfunctional aspects of drama around control and intrigue, so well depicted in the afternoon soap operas, are acted out by girls in secrecy and gossiping. These unfortunate behaviors actually lead to suffering and a crisis mentality at an early age.
Developing out of such distresses we see exclusive social cliques, and in these environments peer pressure and ostracization often occurs. At an emotionally fragile time of developing personal worth and self-identity, young teens are especially vulnerable to the damage of negative judgment and disparagement. The irony is that they are then driven to find acceptance through a close relationship with a “significant other.” This drive is socially reinforced through the constant media messages, both in movies and popular songs, that we need to be coupled to be “complete,” and that one’s value is contingent on another’s acceptance. Since searching for self-esteem in this way is strongly conditioned in our psyches, the groundwork is thus laid for the challenge of healthy adult relationships. It is easier to fall into relationship addiction tendencies because, according to Shaeff, children are actually practicing the skills that can lead to full-fledged addiction.
How can we help to forestall the continuation of such tendencies? It may seem difficult, but with concentrated attention we can start to make inroads. By bringing increased awareness to the actuality of our relationship conditioning, we can begin to restructure our priorities. Developing and teaching skills for relating in authentic, caring ways should be paramount for our children, which can act as the antidotal effort against the media’s shallow presentation of intimate relationships. Perhaps the most challenging aspect to finding new ways to promote interpersonal authenticity is the careful cultivation of personal self-acceptance from an early age. Emphasis on integrating the fear of being alone is equally important, and should be approached with integrity and compassion.
Regarding intimacy in adult partnerships, many psychologists and contemporary thinkers have written about new models for relationships with a focus on “being the source of our own fulfillment” through self-love. Thomas Moore is a popular contemporary philosopher who has written best-selling books on soulfulness and love relationships from the standpoint of soul awareness. He states in his book SoulMates (1994) “Obsessive relationships take many forms, but in general they demonstrate once again how powerful are the stirrings and movements of the soul. When the soul comes to life, the ordinary wisdom of rational life goes into eclipse.”